“President Obama appointed Utah’s Republican Governor Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China, part of Obama’s strategy to get every Republican out of the country by 2010.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Michelle Obama went to the ballet here in New York last night. I heard she saw Hillary Clinton’s favorite ballet, ‘The Nutcracker.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“You know Vice President Joe Biden? Now they’re saying that he apparently had a couple of drinks and he was shooting his mouth off. And he announced the location of Vice President Dick Cheney — the old Vice President — his hiding place. And Joe Biden says, ‘Well, I know where the heck it is. He had, like, a bunker under his house.’ And I was thinking if you’re going to reveal secrets about something, why don’t you reveal a secret about where bin Laden is hiding.” – David Letterman
“Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President’s top secret bunker. The guy can’t help it. But he did apologize. He said, ‘I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“If you’re planning to be in Toronto next week, there’s going to be a great event. Former President Clinton and former President George W. Bush are going to be debating in Toronto. I mean, believe me, there’s nothing more exciting than a presidential debate that doesn’t count. Whoa! Cut me a slice of that. People are saying, ‘Well, what’s the point?’ You know, the former presidents debating. I don’t know about Clinton but for George W. Bush, it’s understandable. I mean, you just can’t keep a natural debater like this guy out of the game.” – David Letterman
“Hey, there was a private screening of ‘Star Trek’ at the White House over the weekend. And President Obama said he really liked the film. The best thing about private screenings, because we get to do them — it’s not like seeing it with the public, you know, where there might be some moron talking through the whole movie. In fact, that’s why they didn’t tell Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno
“Hey, speaking of movies, Matt Damon has a new Jason Bourne film coming out. I guess he’s a CIA agent who tells Nancy Pelosi about waterboarding. Yeah, but see, in this one, she’s the one that gets amnesia. That’s the twist.” –Jay Leno
“A new survey by the Pew Research Center shows that the happiest people tend to be older, male and Republican. Two words for you: ‘Dick Cheney’. Okay? Realize, he’s peaking. This is happiest he’s ever going to be now.” – Jay Leno
“The economy is bad. Dick Cheney was hanging people by their ankles just to catch the change that fell out of their pockets. That’s how bad.” – Jay Leno
“I love this, the Federal government now bailing out insurance companies. Billions of our dollars are going to some of the nation’s top insurance companies to keep them from collapsing. Wow, too bad they didn’t have insurance!” – Jay Leno
“Well, last week, the FDA scolded General Mills for claiming that Cheerios lowers your cholesterol by 10%. Well, they’re not stopping there. Today, under pressure, Captain Crunch admitted he lied about his military record.” – Jay Leno
“Nation, you know I miss the Bush administration. At least with those guys, you knew where you stood, which was occasionally on a box while holding electrodes. That’s why I was glad to see former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld … featured in the latest issue of GQ. Apparently, they gave George Clooney the month off. The story is that during the Iraq war, Rumsfeld’s briefings to President Bush had cover pages featuring war photography and passages from the Bible. Because obviously, briefings about a war you just launched are a snooze unless you add a little pizzazz. So they added quotes like this one from Isaiah, ‘Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?’ Of course, the answer was, ‘The same soldiers, over and over again.’ Then there’s this one from Ephesians, ‘Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground.’ See, Rumsfeld knew the troops already had the full armor of God, so they didn’t need the full armor of actual armor. These cover pages should surprise no one. Bush and Rumsfeld are men of faith.” – Stephen Colbert
