“The Lakers beat the Houston Rockets 89-70. This is the happiest people in LA have been to see somebody going back to Houston since George Bush left office.” – Jay Leno
“The former Vice President Dick Cheney is in town, ladies and gentlemen, in New York City. He’s here to see all of his favorite shows: ‘Phantom’, ‘Wicked’, ‘Stomp.'” – David Letterman
“Los Angeles will start a water rationing in June, which means Dick Cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week now.” – Jay Leno
“Here’s something that I am very excited about. Joe Biden, the current vice president, was yakking away over the weekend. And he — remember when Dick Cheney was in an undisclosed location and everybody thought: Where? So supposedly top secret information, classified information. And Joe Biden just says, ‘No, I know where he was. He was hiding under his house. Joe Biden is living proof that people can give up sensitive information without being tortured.'” – David Letterman
“Well, another gaffe by Vice President Joe Biden. God bless Joe Biden. He’s been our savior here. Newsweek is reporting that at the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney’s secret hiding place. See, there’s more proof you don’t need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks.” – Jay Leno
“Fascinating. I mean, on the other hand, you wonder about a vice president who’s got a panic room. ‘It’s just the ice cream truck, Dick. You can come up.'” – David Letterman
“Actually, do you know what Dick Cheney’s secret location turned out to be? Under the Vice President’s house. Is that really a secret, huh? You’re in the basement, really? Our enemies never think to look behind the furnace. Ooh.” – Jay Leno
“Yeah, the underground dungeon is where Dick and his evil monks plotted to take over the Vatican.” – David Letterman
“And a Chicago company is now marketing hair products inspired by that idiot Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. This is real. This is the new product right here. It’s called Head & Swindler. Can you read the back? It says, ‘lather, rinse, impeach.’ It’s all right here.” – Jay Leno
“Ladies and gentlemen, there’s good news for the environment. They’re cleaning up the Hudson River. It had gotten so bad that the salmon actually had to swim upstream every year for their hepatitis shots.” – David Letterman
“General Motors announced they’re closing over a thousand dealerships. A lot of people are blaming GM’s new CEO, some guy named Barack Obama.” – Jay Leno
“On Saturday, President Obama went to Malia and Sasha’s soccer games. He rode to the games on Minivan One.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, as you know, President Obama spoke at a couple colleges this week. He told the graduates at Arizona State they should not lead their lives like Bernard Madoff. Well, sure, if you’re going to steal money and stay out of jail, become an executive at AIG That’s how you do it.” – Jay Leno
“In the new issue of Newsweek, they’re calling Barack Obama ‘Spock with global sex appeal,’ which is a bit of coincidence because Time magazine is calling Joe Biden ‘Chewbacca with fur plugs.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“And at his commencement speech at Notre Dame, President Obama said we should be doing everything we can to prevent unplanned pregnancies, to which John Edwards said, ‘Tell me about it.'” – Jay Leno
“Well, this is surprising. A new survey shows that the happiest Americans are elderly, male, and Republican. In other words, Republican.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This week marks the 54th anniversary of the invention of the credit card. See, before that, people practiced something called ‘living within their means’ — a foolish, foolish, outmoded way of life.” – Jay Leno
