“Dick Cheney says that Rush Limbaugh is more of a Republican than Colin Powell. And I think, well, yeah, about 300 pounds more.'” – David Letterman
“John McCain’s mother was on TV last night saying she doesn’t like Rush Limbaugh. I think I speak for all: John McCain’s mother is still alive?” – Craig Ferguson
“Dick Cheney went to see the Tom Hanks film ‘Angels and Demons,’ and through the whole movie he’s screaming, ‘Go Demons! Go Demons.'” – David Letterman
“I’ll tell you what I’m pissed off at. Obama was speaking at Arizona State University, and they denied him an honorary degree, because his body of work, according to them, is ‘yet to come.’ This is Arizona State University, the ultimate dumbass party school? You know when strippers say they’re ‘working their way through college?’ This is the college. You can have a double major in binging and purging at this school. But Obama’s not good enough for an honorary degree. The first black president of the Harvard Law Review, got more votes than anyone who ever ran for president. He’s been on ‘Oprah!” – Bill Maher
“This Sunday, President Obama is receiving an honorary degree from the University of Notre Dame. Or as Obama calls it, safety school.” – Jimmy Fallon
“You think security in Washington is so good? A Capitol police report said that a drunken man spent several hours wandering through the Hart Senate Office Building late at night, after he parked his car in the garage, staggered into the building drunk, didn’t get stopped or challenged by anybody. Security didn’t do anything to the guy. In fact, they first realized he wasn’t a real senator when, after three hours, he hadn’t groped anybody, raised taxes or taken a bribe.” – Jay Leno
“Donald Trump announced Tuesday that despite the controversy over Miss California Carrie Prejean’s stand on gay marriage and racy pre-pageant photos, she will keep her crown. Hmm. Who would have ever imagined Donald Trump would side with the hot lady who likes to take her top off?” – Amy Poehler
“Well, let me ask you, have you noticed since this whole stupid topless Miss California thing started, we haven’t heard anything about the swine flu? Weren’t we all supposed to be dead by now?” – Jay Leno
“The World Health Organization said Thursday that the swine flu virus did not result from a laboratory accident. So you’re back on the hook, Fernando, the farmer who married a pig.'” – Amy Poehler
“A Canadian scientist was arrested for smuggling vials of Ebola into the U.S. And I’m telling you, this wouldn’t happen if the government would just legalize Ebola. You know? Been saying this for years.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, wants to ‘legalize the marijuana.’ He says that taxes on it will help raise money to balance the budget. Now, see, this can go one of two ways. Either California raises some revenue and balanced the budget, or California still goes broke, but everybody is too stoned to care. So, you see, it is a win-win, really.” – Jay Leno
“The NASA people have their own T.V. channel and you can watch what they are doing. So today, they flew up there in the space shuttle and changed cameras on the Hubble Telescope, the most powerful telescope in the history of the world. And yet, even the Hubble Telescope can still not see how Larry King stays on the air.” – David Letterman
“And yesterday at the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama said that the White House is a place where people should feel free to speak their mind. Except, of course, Joe Biden.'” – Jay Leno
“At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle hosted a night of poetry and music, featuring musicians, authors and poets. So maybe that’s a sign the economy is starting to turn around, huh? When poets start working again? When poets get a job? That’s a good sign.” – Jay Leno
“Did you guys see Oprah’s show today? On Oprah’s show today, she gave everyone in her audience a free Chrysler dealership. It was so nice of her. It was under the seat.'” – Jimmy Fallon
