Political Irony

“Of course, the really big news is what’s going on in Washington, and Obama opening the door, now, to prosecuting former Bush officials about torture, or, as they call it, severe interrogation procedures, which include waterboarding, sleep deprivation, forced nudity. We have outlawed all of these practices, although they are still challenges on ‘The Love of Ray-J,’ which is a television show.” – Bill Maher

“No, it is fun watching the Republicans trying to defend torture, because they insist that what’s wrong with the Democrats on this issue is they don’t get what it’s like in the ‘real world.’ And, to prove it, they cite Jack Bauer, a character from a television show.” – Bill Maher

“It’s interesting how the progression changes with the Republicans. First, when they talked about torture, it was, ‘Well, there’s just a few bad apples.’ Then it was, ‘Okay, we did it a couple of times.’ Then it was not really torture, and now, ‘it works’.” – Bill Maher

“They first said they tortured this Khaled Sheikh Mohammed — and by the way, if there’s anyone who deserved it, it was him — but first they said they did it once. Now it comes out 183 times that they waterboarded this motherf**ker in a month. This comes out to six times in a day. I would think after that, you get used to it. He was showing up at his torture sessions in flip flops and a beach towel, with a Danielle Steele novel. ‘Would you like sparkling or flat waterboarding today, sir?'” – Bill Maher

“Dick Cheney is all over television defending this. He said yesterday, he would be happy to undergo waterboarding himself, but his heart might rust.” – Bill Maher

“Dick Cheney is claiming torture works. And he says it’s okay that we do this, because it worked. Yes, it was ugly, but eventually what came out was good. Like Susan Boyle.” – Bill Maher

“George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have announced they’re going to have a debate. They already have a name for it — ‘Alienated vs. Predator.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Unemployment is continually rising, foreclosures are through the roof. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, ‘If this van’s a-rockin’, it’s because we live here now.'” – Bill Maher

“In economic news, ExxonMobil’s profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs.” – David Letterman

“Crime is down in New York City. Tomorrow criminals head down to Washington to request a bailout.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday President Obama hauled in the presidents of the credit card companies and said the days of tricky fine print and sudden rate increases and late fees are over. And he also demanded to know what kind of screwed up, cracker name was MasterCard.” – Bill Maher

“Obama was on the news today speaking about college spending. He’s proposing a new budget ” $15 billion for college loans, $20 billion for Ramen Noodles.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Are you ready for the next outbreak that isn’t really going to happen, but sounds really scary, so the media’s freaking out? Swine flu. Have you heard that? Yes, apparently swine flu has appeared in the U.S. This particular virus started in Mexico, and spread from pigs to humans. Probably during spring break. I’m sorry, have I offended pigs? I apologize.” – Bill Maher

“It’s World Penguin Day. Penguins are important. It’s true. Some say John McCain lost the election due to his resemblance to The Penguin from Batman.” – Craig Ferguson

“The White House was on lockdown because a small plane flew into restricted airspace. Say what you want, but Dick Cheney would have shot that thing down.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday was ‘Take Your Kid to Work Day.’ It used to be ‘Take Your Daughter to Work Day,’ but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there’s a new special day for parents and kids – ‘Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.’ This day shows that daddy and mommy didn’t always just sit around in their underwear.” – Jimmy Kimmel [Incidental note — a friend of mine works for a large company that — I’m not making this up — handed out layoff notices on “Take Your Kid to Work Day”. I can hear it now: “Daddy, why are you crying?” ]