“Next month in Toronto, Canada, former President George W. Bush will debate former President Bill Clinton. The question of the debate — is it worse to lie to your wife or lie to the entire country?” – Jay Leno
“Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer’s disease. Why didn’t I see it before? Balzheimer’s is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure.” – Jon Stewart
“But Dick Cheney is now criticizing President Obama, and he’s saying that his recent actions around the world are ‘disturbing’ and ‘not helpful.’ Yeah, yeah, things were so much better when Cheney was president, weren’t they?” – David Letterman
“Speaking of things like that, classified documents that were recently released show that Dick Cheney, who a couple of years ago went nuts and shot a guy, ordered Khalid Shaikh Mohammed waterboarded 183 times. When do you suppose Mohammed caught on and said, ‘I know this is just horse play’?” – David Letterman
“Former President George W. Bush said today he does not remember seeing any of those torture memos. But to be fair, to Bush, any memo on his desk was torture. ‘I’m not readin’ that.'” – Jay Leno
“But anyway, they waterboarded Mohammed 183 times, and thanks to the information they got from this guy, via waterboarding, we were able to capture bin Laden.” – David Letterman
“President Obama has kind of a happier outlook on torture. He says instead of waterboarding terrorists, he’s going to put them in dunk tanks.” – David Letterman
“How about those Somali pirates? So they bring one of the pirates to New York City so they can put him on trial. But he will also be doing some other stuff. Like, tomorrow, he’s going to ring the opening bell at the stock exchange. Friday he’ll be on ‘Rachel Ray’ making Clams Mogadishu, and he will be the starting pitcher for the Yankees. Monday, he’ll be on the ‘Today’ show singing ‘I Dream a Dream.’ And Monday night, he’ll be sleeping with Madonna. That’s the full schedule.” – David Letterman
“This pirate is everywhere. For example, this weekend, he’s hosting ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Monday, he’s attending the Tribeca Film Festival. Tuesday, he’s going to launch his new fragrance. Wednesday, he’s having lunch with Ruth Madoff. And Thursday he’s going to hijack the Staten Island Ferry, so he’s got a big, full schedule.” – David Letterman
“The Justice Department says they want to make an example of this Somali pirate guy. And I thought, really? In terms of making an example, I don’t think you can do much better than shooting the other three guys in the head.” – David Letterman
“During an interview with The New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman he met after that.” – Jay Leno
“Here’s a name out of the past. He used to be governor of the state of New York. Eliot Spitzer, does that ring a bell? Listen to this, according to a new poll, two out of three New Yorkers would like to have Spitzer back as their governor. I mean sure, two out of three New Yorkers are hookers.” – David Letterman
“Do you remember Eliot Spitzer, who was governor of New York? He had to stop being the governor of New York because he enjoyed prostitutes. Well, now, he’s talking about running again for governor in 2010. He also said he’s looking forward to spending less time with his family.” – David Letterman
“The people of New York liked Governor Spitzer. I mean, the guy had a reputation for being on top of everything.” – David Letterman
“Well, Happy Earth Day, everybody. Yes. Today is Earth Day, or as the oil companies call it, Wednesday.” – Jay Leno
“Even Eliot Spitzer is all excited about Earth Day. He was on the West Side Highway picking up trash earlier today. I believe her name was Rhonda.” – David Letterman
“Hey, I thought this was nice. To celebrate Earth Day, a group of schoolchildren in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden’s head.” – Jay Leno
“Even Dick Cheney was into Earth Day. Did you see what he said today? He called for the use of only recycled water when waterboarding prisoners.” – Jay Leno
“Happy Earth Day. You know, as a kid, every Earth Day I used to wake up and run down the stairs in my footie pajamas to see what Al Gore brought us. It was just so fun. ‘Look sis, it’s one of those dark brown Seventh Generation paper towels. Yeah, I love those.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Happy Earth Day to everyone. President Obama celebrated Earth Day by flying his enormous plane to Iowa today to visit a wind power plant. There was a huge crowd on hand to greet him, partly to hear him talk about the importance of reducing our dependency on fossil fuels and partly to show their kids what a black person looks like.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Well, here’s an interesting study. Researchers in Britain announced today that global warming is caused in part by overweight people. They say obese people release more carbon dioxide into the air. No, this is real. This is real. See, all this time you used to think it was caused by coal-burning factories. Turns out it was Cheesecake Factories.” – Jay Leno
“Last night, I was watching ‘Larry King,’ who was interviewing Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin’s baby. And Larry asked, ‘Exactly where did sex occur in the Palins’ house?’ And then it was incredible, my TV threw up” – Jimmy Fallon
