“Well, as you know, President Obama’s been reaching out to Iran, reaching out to Cuba, reaching out to Latin America. The only place he can’t seem to be able to reach out to, Texas.” – Jay Leno
“Barack Obama was in Venezuela this weekend for the Summit of the Americas, and he shook hands with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Yeah, people are pretty upset about it. He’s a socialist dictator. You don’t shake his hand. Instead, you offer your hand, then pull it back and say, ‘Psych! Sucker.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“That evil Hugo Chavez from Venezuela slipped President Obama a book that is printed in Spanish. But President Obama does not read or speak Spanish. It would be like handing George W. Bush any book.” – David Letterman
“Despite Governor Rick Perry talking about how Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to, 75 per cent of the people who live there want to stay in the United States. Of course they want to stay. I mean, after spending all that time and effort sneaking across the border to get here, why would they want to leave?” – Jay Leno
“There’s been a lot of talk lately about lifting the trade embargo in Cuba. President Obama says he understands that a relationship that has been frozen for this long won’t thaw out overnight, to which Hillary said, ‘Tell me about it!'” – Jay Leno
“It’s hot here today in L.A. In fact, it was so hot, I called up the CIA and begged to be waterboarded.” – Craig Ferguson
“And amid much criticism, President Obama has released top-secret terror memos from the Bush Administration. According to the memos, President Bush authorized various forms of torture, including waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and of course, the fourth hour of the ‘Today’ show.” – Jay Leno
“And American hero, Captain Richard Phillips, who was recently captured by Somali pirates, flew home to Vermont over the weekend. Ironically, the movie on the plane: ‘Pirates of the Caribbean.'” – Jay Leno
“Congratulations to ‘The New York Times,’ which won five Pulitzer Prizes today, including one for breaking the call girl scandal that ended Eliot Spitzer’s career. And Spitzer won a prize for fiction, for the story he told his wife about the affair.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama met with his entire Cabinet today. Well, sure, now that April 15th has passed, they’ve all come out of hiding.” – Jay Leno
“Very exciting news. We have a Miss USA Her name is Kristen Dalton, and she is from North Carolina. She says she’s now looking forward to one day being the Republican vice presidential candidate.” – Jay Leno
“And a lot of people thought that Miss California lost the contest when she said she was opposed to gay marriage. So, apparently, she forgot who the audience is who watches beauty pageants.” – Jay Leno
“It’s ‘Green Is Universal’ week here at NBC and we’re part doing our part here at ‘Late Night.’ In fact, the whole monologue tonight is recycled from Friday’s show.” – Jimmy Fallon
