“We have a new ‘border czar.’ His job is to make sure nobody sneaks into the United States from Texas.” – Jay Leno
“Do you know about this? Texas Gov. Rick Perry fired up an anti-tax tea party this week by saying that Texas has the right to secede from the Union if it wants to. And former President Bush, who now lives in Texas, is of course against the idea. Bush said if Texas leaves the Union, they’ll be a foreign country, ‘like Alaska and Hawaii.'” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, the governor of Texas, Rick Perry, said Texans are fed up with Washington. He said they might secede from the rest of America. If Texas forms their own country, they could be invaded by Mexico. They’ll have to change their name to Texico.” – Craig Ferguson
“But on the plus side, if Texas did secede from the Union, we could then invade them for the oil.” – Jay Leno
“A lot of folks from out of town visiting New York City. Be careful, word of caution, word of caution. Never hail a cab, now I’m serious about this, never hail a cab that is flying a Somalian skull and bones.” – David Letterman
“Have you had a cab driver using a cell phone? I’m in the cab this morning coming to work and I said, ‘Look, look, look. Look, do me a favor, stop talking on your cell phone.’ And the driver said, ‘I’m not talking on my cell phone, I’m on Google Earth trying to track down an oil tanker off the Horn of Africa.'” – David Letterman
“President Obama’s now in Mexico. He has already met with the FWEA, the Future Wal-Mart Employees of America.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is in Mexico right now. So if you want to break any laws or anything, this is the time to do it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The President arrived in Mexico City this morning to discuss border security, drug-related violence, and to officiate at a wet t-shirt contest. It’s spring break for him too, you know.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Part of the reason the President is there is to help stop the massive flow of drugs into America. Obama’s basic message is, ‘Stop selling us the stuff, no matter how much we pay you.’ And I don’t know if it’s going to work.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In Philadelphia, a government program offering a $10,000 tax credit to any business hiring an ex-con had no takers. In fact, you know the way most ex-cons actually get jobs? They get re-elected.” – Jay Leno
“Oh, well, here is something that makes me proud to be a member of the NBC family. NBC has signed disgraced former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to star in a reality series. It’s called, ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!’ This is different from the show he did in Illinois. That was, ‘He’s an Idiot, Get Him Out of There.'” – Jay Leno
“The state of California says that singer Dionne Warwick owes $2.2 million in back taxes. I feel kind of sorry for her. I mean, if there had only been some sort of group or network of psychics she could have consulted with.” – Jay Leno
“New York Governor David Paterson announced that he will support legalizing gay marriage in New York. Well, you can understand why New York politicians are for this. Let’s look at the problems. I mean, David Paterson and his affair, Eliot Spitzer with the hookers, Hillary and Bill. Straight marriages obviously don’t work in New York. Let’s try the gay thing.” – Jay Leno
“George W. Bush has reportedly landed a $7 million book deal. The book will be about his years as president and is tentatively called ‘Decision Point,’ because every time Bush had to make a decision, he would point to Cheney.” – Jay Leno
“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is still paying off her $6 million debt for her unsuccessful presidential campaign. And they’re doing it by auctioning off a number of things, including a chance to spend a day with former President Bill Clinton in New York City, which I think technically makes Hillary a pimp, doesn’t it?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“To pay off her campaign debt, Hillary Clinton is auctioning off a day with Bill Clinton. She is. Bill says he’s thrilled to do it, as long as Hillary isn’t allowed to enter the auction.” – Jimmy Fallon
