“President Barack Obama got quite a reception when he was in Europe last week. Did you see while he was visiting Germany, the crowd started chanting, ‘Yes, we can! Yes, we can!’ Pretty amazing, a bunch of Germans chanting, ‘Yes, we can.’ That has got to make the French a little nervous, huh?” – Jay Leno
“President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, ‘You guys first.'” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama on Thursday night hosted what may have been the first Passover Seder in the White House, and in a sign of the president’s popularity, Elijah showed up.” – Seth Meyers
“They had a big Easter egg hunt in Central Park yesterday. And the kids, as usual, were great at finding stuff. They ought to send them out looking for bin Laden, that’s what they ought to do.” – David Letterman
“Oh, I tell you, the economy’s in bad shape. You know Fort Knox? Well, they changed their name to cashforgold.com. That is how bad the economy is.” – Jay Leno
“This Wednesday, April 15th, taxes are due, but people who work for President Obama are busy doing their taxes for 1998, ’99, 2000.” – Jay Leno
“Well, look at this. I pick up the paper today, and according to a survey on how Americans will spend their tax returns, 48 percent say they’ll pay debts, 39 percent will save it, 27 percent will use it for everyday expenses, 11 percent will make a major purchase, and another 11 percent will use it for vacation. OK, that adds up to 136 percent. OK, there’s the problem right there!” – Jay Leno
“Well, you’ve been watching the big score over the weekend, huh? Navy 3, pirates 0. Yeah! As you know, Navy Seals kicked some Somali pirate booty this weekend. I tell you, those Navy Seals, what incredible marksmen. They shot the three pirates without hitting the captain or any of the parrots that were sitting on the pirates’ shoulders.” – Jay Leno
“So the Navy Seal snipers shot three pirates. They shot them at the same time, simultaneously. I mean that is sharp shooting, ladies and gentlemen. Boom, all of them gone. I mean, something like that hasn’t really happened since the last Dick Cheney hunting trip.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I tell you this, this Capt. Richard Phillips is a genuine American hero. He allowed himself to be taken hostage to save the lives of his crew. And did you know that this Captain Phillips used to be a cab driver in Boston? In fact, so were half the Somali pirates that kidnapped him.” – Jay Leno
“The pirates were trying to negotiate but it was a tough deal. They were hoping to be adopted by Madonna.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Anyway, they asked Captain Phillips what he’s going to do now. And he said he’s going to Disneyland to wipe out the Pirates of the Caribbean. So I think he’s a little wound up.” – Jay Leno
“And speaking of naval heroes, we have one on the show here tonight. Senator John McCain. Let me tell you something, McCain knows a thing or two about battling pirates, because, as a young man, he led the crew that sank the famous pirate Blackbeard’s ship.” – Jay Leno
“Anyway, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder tried to put all this in perspective. He said this is the first act of piracy against the United States literally ‘in hundreds of years.’ Well, if you don’t count AIG, of course.” – Jay Leno
“Speaking of that, the New York Post says that Bernard Madoff’s wife, Ruth Madoff, may go back to using her maiden name. But I don’t know if that’s going to work because her maiden name is bin Laden.” – Jay Leno
Puppy Love
“Of course, the big story is that the Obamas got their new puppy! How about that, huh? On Fox News, they declared that the dog is a Muslim socialist.” – Jay Leno
“No, it’s a Portuguese water dog, which sounds like something you order in a bar, doesn’t it?” – Jay Leno
“Bo arrived just in time, because Sasha and Malia were getting tired of throwing Frisbees at Joe Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Of course, the hardest thing these days about paper-training a puppy is finding a newspaper that’s still in business.” – Jay Leno
“It’s a great day for America’s first family. The Obamas finally got their puppy. Apparently, it took a long time because Obama had to find a dog that’s paid all its back taxes.” – Craig Ferguson
“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama says his daughters will take care of the dog, but who picks up the dog’s poop after the kids go to sleep? Well, that duty will fall on a low-level employee with nothing else to do. Joe Biden’s going to be cleaning up.” – Craig Ferguson
“Now the new puppy is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Apparently, they call the dog Bo because Michelle’s father’s nickname is Diddly. So Bo Diddly. It’s very complicated. Settling on a name for the President’s dog is like having to name one of the octomom’s kids.” – Craig Ferguson
“Anyway, reports are saying that the White House staff loved the dog. But the chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, is jealous, because until the puppy arrived, he was the cutest little guy in the White House.” – Craig Ferguson
“Right now, the dog and Joe Biden are working out who brings in the morning paper. And then they’ll make the announcement.” – Jimmy Fallon
