“Hey, you hear about this? Very strange incident at JFK Airport in New York City today. An AIG executive going through security had to empty out all his pockets. You know what fell out? Senator Chris Dodd.” – Jay Leno
“Let’s not forget the AIG company. The AIG stands for ‘ain’t I greedy?’ No, they changed the name of the company today to ‘AIU’ Oh! Okay then. Everything’s forgiven.’ AIU for ‘ain’t I unethical?’ There you are.” – Craig Ferguson
“AIG changing their name is like Hitler changing his name and hoping people won’t notice.” – Craig Ferguson
“Earlier today, President Obama filled three of the remaining top jobs at the Treasury Department. Their job will be to collect taxes from all the other cabinet members that haven’t paid them yet.” – Jay Leno
“The market rallied yesterday after the Treasury said it was going to help banks sell off their toxic assets. That’s the big problem, banks can’t sell toxic assets. Well, duh. I mean, I’m no economist, but maybe you should stop calling them toxic assets. Huh? Isn’t that like KFC advertising salmonella chicken?” – Jay Leno
“Obama also repeated his support for Treasury Secretary Geithner, who unveiled his plan yesterday for the government to buy up the so-called toxic assets from troubled banks and sell them to China, which will then make them into children’s toys, and should solve the problem entirely.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The country of China is going to be doing a Broadway style play based on Karl Marx’s book on communism. A play based on communism. You know, that’s where capitalism has been replaced by the government taking over control of all private industries. Or as we call in this country, ‘a stimulus package.'”- Jay Leno
“President Obama has now committed $700 million to help beef up U.S. security at the Mexican border. I think most people are pretty surprised by this. ‘What? We have security at the Mexican border? When did that start?'” – Jay Leno
“Mexico’s government just offered a $2 million bounty on its top drug lords, which is different from what we do here in America. We give our biggest criminals bonuses.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Michelle Obama — and I think this is a lovely idea — she’s going to put a garden in the White House, out there where the Rose Garden is. A very nice idea. And she’s out there digging it up. She found three of Dick Cheney’s hunting buddies.” – David Letterman
“Hey, congratulations to Japan for winning the World Baseball Classic right here in Dodger Stadium. Yeah, they beat Korea 5-3, which is perfect. You have the Japanese playing the Koreans in a city full of Mexicans to determine who’s best at America’s pastime. I think Lou Dobbs’ head is going to explode when he hears this.” – Jay Leno
“Voters in Iowa are already receiving phone calls about whether or not they approve of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. They’re instructed to press one for ‘yes’ and two for ‘you betcha!'” – Jimmy Fallon
