Political Irony

“I don’t need to tell you folks, but the economy is so bad right now that over 1,000 Americans have volunteered to become the Obama dog.” -David Letterman

“The Dow Jones numbers are so low today they were made an honorary NBC affiliate. That’s how bad the economy is.” -Jay Leno

“I’ll tell you how bad the economy is. Listen, I was in Beverly Hills, and I saw a guy driving an American car.” -Jay Leno

“The Republican Party said it would donate Sarah Palin’s $150,000 wardrobe to a needy cause. That’s nice, that’s nice. They looked around. It turns out the neediest cause is the Republican Party.” -Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama — talk about a tough gig, and talk about optimism. The guy is saying it’s a good time to buy stocks. So here’s what you do. Instead of that latte you buy in the morning, pick yourself up a thousand shares of GM.” -David Letterman

“Well, folks, it’s happened again. President Obama’s latest nominee for U.S. trade representative, a man named Ron Kirk, owes $10,000 in unpaid back taxes. Apparently, when it comes to taxes, ‘yes, we can’ is now, ‘no, we didn’t.'” -Jay Leno

“Well, listen to this. One of Kirk’s tax deductions was $17,000 for tickets to Dallas Mavericks games; $17,000 for pro basketball tickets. But to be fair, since it was the Mavericks, he should be able to write that off as a failed investment.” -Jay Leno

“And the Federal Reserve chairman said today that the $700 billion bailout of the banks is not going to be enough money. When did the Federal Reserve become like a car mechanic, you know? ‘Yeah, we can get the economy running for maybe $700 billion, but there’s no guarantee it’s not gonna stall out on you.’ Well, now, the government has given AIG $30 billion more. We gave them $165 billion. Now we’re giving them $30 billion. You know what AIG stands for? ‘And It’s Gone!'” -Jay Leno

“And when is it — I mean we’re not even talking millions, we’re talking billions — and when is it enough? Even kids have to do something for their allowance, don’t they? Can’t we get these AIG guys to mow the lawn or take out the garbage? Do something. Pick up trash in orange jump suits, maybe?” -Jay Leno

“Here’s a great story. In New Jersey, somebody bought a lottery ticket and won $212 million. Now, under the new Obama plan, after taxes, that person will have enough money left over to buy another lottery ticket.” -David Letterman

“Our new Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, is working very hard traveling all over the world. She’s been to Korea, Japan, China, Egypt, Israel, or as Bill calls it, ‘spring break! Yeah!'” -Jay Leno

“Hey, here’s big news. Do you remember Vice President Dick Cheney? Do you remember that guy? And I don’t know, in the middle of the second term or something, the P.R. people got together and they said, ‘Dick, nobody really knows anything about you.’ So he went out and shot his buddy in the face. Do you remember that? Boom! And that was good for about two years for us here. Well, listen to this. Cheney has now been invited to speak at the American Museum of Fly Fishing. After his speech, he’s going to demonstrate how to waterboard a trout.” -David Letterman

“But you say to yourself, ‘What are these guys doing in retirement?’ Well, Dick Cheney is keeping busy. Today, as a matter of fact, he hooked up a digital converter box to his pacemaker, so he’s ready to go.” -David Letterman

“Here’s some uplifting news from Iraq. For the first time, millions of Iraqis have access to the Internet. They can even go on Facebook, as long as the face is wearing a veil.” -Jimmy Fallon

“I love this because in one little story, we have what’s great about this country and what’s weird about this country. A person in Florida calls 911, you know, the emergency number, 911? And here’s the emergency — McDonald’s has run out of Chicken McNuggets. This person placed a call three times. I said: ‘Rush Limbaugh, please! Get some help.'” -David Letterman

“By the way, ladies and gentlemen, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party. And I’m thinking, if I see any more of Rush Limbaugh, I’m going to have to send my housekeeper out to buy me painkillers.” -David Letterman

“French President Nicolas Sarkozy received another death threat yesterday, when he opened a letter that was filled with bullets. It’s almost as scary as last year, when he barely escaped after being faxed a picture of a knife.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Our guest tonight was supposed to be … Rick Santelli, he’s an analyst for CNBC and a former derivatives trader. He’d done some critical reporting on the hundreds of billions of dollars in bailout money going to failed banks, and failed automakers, and insurers of failed banks and automakers. … Now Mr. Santelli was invited to come on this program, and he accepted the invitation. Then on Friday, he cancelled. Or I guess the phrase would be, he bailed out.” -Jon Stewart

“Wow! If I’d just listened to CNBC I’d have a million dollars today, provided I started with a hundred million dollars.” -Jon Stewart