“I want to thank you for coming out. It’s nice to be inside. It’s brutal out there. The Dow is 30 below zero. The economy is not looking good. Everybody’s cutting back. I don’t know if you heard this, but today, the Jonas Brothers fired Nick.” -Jimmy Fallon
“Nice to see you all here. You’re so lucky you live in California, because there was a huge snowstorm in Washington, D.C. In fact, they are calling it the city’s biggest snow job since that stimulus package.” -Jay Leno
“Cold in New York City today, where it was 24 degrees outside. Wait a minute. I’m sorry. That was the Dow Jones Average. So cold, former New York governor Eliot Spitzer was happy to have a burning sensation.” -David Letterman
“Talk about the age we live in. I saw this today. They unveiled a totally new method of snow removal. Did you hear about this? What they do, is they put A.I.G. in charge of it and the snow just disappears.” -Jay Leno
“I tell you, the economy is not good. Not good at all. Oh, it’s bad. In fact, on ’24,’ Jack Bauer tortured himself for not selling his stock last August. The economy is so bad, I saw Bill Maher in church praying, and later, I saw Warren Buffett buying lottery tickets.” -Jay Leno
“A.I.G. announced it lost $61.7 billion in the last quarter. What did we give them, $165 billion in that bailout thing? And they still lost $61.7 billion, which is the biggest loss by any company in U.S. history. To put it into perspective, A.I.G. lost more in December and January than pro basketball’s L.A. Clippers.” -Jay Leno
“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is offering a pledge of $900 million to the Palestinians in Gaza. Let’s hope they don’t spend it all on rocks this time. See, apparently, we ran out of banks in this country to bail out. So now we’re bailing out the West Bank as well.” -Jay Leno
“No. This is what they said. The U.S. government guaranteed the $900 million will go directly to the people. All the money will go directly to the people. Why can’t we get that deal in this country? Why does it go to the banks?” -Jay Leno
“Actually, there were some optimistic words today from the Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, who told Congress the recession might end this year. Unfortunately, Bernanke also said pro football’s Detroit Lions could win the super Bowl and Paris Hilton could get an Oscar. So I don’t know. He’s a little out of there.” -Jay Leno
“The stock market is fluctuating wildly. I haven’t seen this much bouncing up and down since Clinton was in the White House.” -Craig Ferguson
“Here’s some good news. Barack Obama announced he’s bringing home troops from Iraq. That’s right. Unfortunately, he couldn’t get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan.” -Jimmy Fallon
“Hey, some good news. The Obamas are getting a dog. Yes. The Obamas say they’re going to go with a Portuguese water dog. Doesn’t that sound like some kind of lame drink a guy would order to impress a woman? ‘Bartender, for the lady, white wine, and for me, a Portuguese water dog.'” -Jay Leno
“Meghan McCain, John McCain’s daughter, said she’s tired of constantly dating guys who are obsessed with how great her father is. Fortunately for her, she already dated all three of them.” -Jimmy Fallon
“And Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal gave the Republican response to President Obama’s recent speech to Congress. But Jindal did not get good reviews. I don’t know if you saw it. I don’t want to say Jindal seemed awkward and off message, but his Secret Service code name is now Joe Biden.” -Jay Leno
“And Mayor Richard Daley said that by the year 2016, there will be a surveillance camera on every street corner in Chicago. Yeah. You know, how about putting a camera on every politician in Chicago?” -Jay Leno
“Hey, speaking of that, it is now being reported that former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has signed a six-figure deal to write a book. See, it took him a while to sign the book deal, because, like everything else in his life, he was waiting for the highest bidder.” -Jay Leno
“No, Blagojevich said plans to write a book exposing the dark and corrupt side of politics. So, apparently, it’s an autobiography.” -Jay Leno
“Well, how much is Rush Limbaugh loving all his recent publicity? He is everywhere now, since he said he wanted Obama’s policies to fail. This is the greatest thing to happen to Limbaugh since they started making that center-cut bacon.” -Jay Leno
“California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he’s going to appear in the new Sylvester Stallone movie. Schwarzenegger wants the world to know he can still act, but I think he proved that when he said, ‘I won’t raise taxes.'” -Jay Leno
“According to a new study by a Harvard Business School professor, when it comes to online pornography, 8 of the top 10 porn-consuming states voted Republican in 2008. Republicans watch more pornography than Democrats. So, apparently, while they were voting for McCain, they were fantasizing about Sarah Palin.” -Jay Leno
“Over in Iraq, Saddam Hussein’s buddy, Chemical Ali, has been sentenced to death for a third time. He is so upset that he’s fired his lawyers. He got rid of Chemical Jacoby and Chemical Myers. They’re gone.” -David Letterman
