“You got to admit, President Obama gives great speeches. Like, today, instead of just saying, ‘Oh, from North to South,’ he said, ‘From the windy plains of the Dakotas to the sunny skies of Arizona.’ That sounds so much better than, ‘From the sleaze ball criminal element of Wall Street to the broke-a** beaches of California.'” -Jay Leno
“Meanwhile, while Obama’s signing the stimulus package bill in Denver, John McCain was busy at Denny’s, sectioning his grapefruit.” -David Letterman
“You remember Hillary Clinton? She has been married to Bubba for quite a while. Well, she is now the secretary of state, and she is on her first big round the world tour. She is on her big Asian tour. She wants to normalize relations with North Korea. No word yet about normalizing relations with Bill.” -David Letterman
“They were talking to Hillary about what Bill gave her for Valentine’s Day, and I thought this was surprising: sexy lingerie. Well, he had to after she found it in his glove compartment.” -David Letterman
“And in Venezuela, a referendum passed that will allow Hugo Chavez to keep running for president indefinitely. So down there, it will be kind of like what Ralph Nader does here.” -Jay Leno
“We have four shows left, including tonight. It’s weird, I was thinking about it today. When we went on the air in 1993, I had no way of knowing that 16 years later we’d have an African-American president. Then again, Barack Obama had no way of knowing that an albino would be taking over ‘The Tonight Show.'” -Conan O’Brien
The Economy
“I’m very worried about the economy. Hopefully, our problems will be over soon. And I think they will be because today, President Obama finally signed the stimulus bill, which is supposed to create 3.5 million jobs. It’ll fund new roads and new bridges. They’ve even put aside $8 billion for new trains. I smell Vice President Joe Biden. He loves trains.” -Craig Ferguson
“Yesterday, of course, Presidents Day. And Congress commemorated George Washington’s throwing a dollar across the Potomac by tossing $787 billion down a rat hole.” -Jay Leno
“No, they said the stimulus package will give people an extra $13 in their paychecks. So, next time the bank starts closing in, you go, ‘Hey, hey, hey! I got 13 smackaroonies coming in.'” -Jay Leno
“Only three Republicans voted for the stimulus bill. The rest are withholding their votes so that they can blame Obama if it doesn’t work, which is perfectly acceptable. This is what politicians do. But I saw an article last week that said, ‘Is Obama’s Presidency already a failure?’ What I think has happened to Obama is this. It is kind of like George W. Bush was in the restroom before him and then came out and went away. And Obama’s gone in and he’s found something awful there.” -Craig Ferguson
“President Obama today signed his trillion dollar economic stimulus bill into law. The spending package passed through Congress with almost no Republican support, but Obama says he’s still focused on bringing real bipartisanship to government. He even went so far as to send every Republican in Congress today a jar of peanuts, which I thought was nice.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Well, here’s something I learned on the Discovery Channel. Researchers say that animals actually plan for the future. And I think it’s true. For example, do you know that most animals sold all their stocks at the end of 2006?” -Jay Leno
“A new study says that the bad economy can lower testosterone levels in men. Scientists say at this rate, by the end of the decade, Ann Coulter could be a woman!” -Craig Ferguson
“And one of the hardest hit businesses in this failing economy is plastic surgery. Fewer and fewer people are getting plastic surgery. How ironic is that? The one time you really need a smile on your face, you can’t even afford to get it.” -Jay Leno
“According to the ‘Financial Times,’ Barack Obama, they’re saying, is moving towards Swedish models of banking. A president moving towards Swedish models? That hasn’t happened since the Clinton Administration.” -Craig Ferguson
“I tell you, the economy’s in bad shape. It is in such bad shape that today, three stock brokers tried to kill themselves by eating peanuts.” -Jay Leno
“I think everybody should just calm down. Give Obama four years. See what he can do. Then if he’s a miserable failure, we’ll do what we did with George W. Bush and elect him to a second term.” -Craig Ferguson
“I want to tell you something. You think it’s tough in New York City, California is bankrupt. Yeah, things are so – here’s how bad things are California. They’ve canceled the next three mudslides.” -David Letterman
“And California? that’s no day at the beach either. Oh, California, I tell you. Today, I saw Governor Schwarzenegger dyeing his hair with an orange Sharpie. ‘You godda get da color back in dere.'” -Jay Leno
“And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state’s giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for.” -Jay Leno
