“On Friday, the Senate agreed to an economic stimulus package of at least $780 billion, which I know sounds like a lot of money, but, remember, that’s in American dollars.” -Seth Meyers
“Hi everyone, I’m Jimmy. I’m your late-night stimulus package. … Word out of the Senate tonight is that a deal has been reached on a $780 billion stimulus package. It’s said to include a mixture of tax cuts, infrastructure spending, health-care stipends, and ponies for everyone in America.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“In a statement released Friday, Republican Senator James Inhofe said the economic recovery bill is 93 percent spending and 7 percent stimulation, which, coincidentally, is the exact same formula used to bring Nancy Pelosi to orgasm.” -Seth Meyers
“The rest of the country might not know this: Today is Furlough Friday here in California. Furlough Friday, where 200,000 — the state is so broke, 200,000 workers are asked to stay home without pay as a cash-saving measure. This is what I love about California: They make it sound like it’s fun. Oh, Furlough Friday. What’s the next big holiday, Selling-Your-Blood-For-Money Saturday?” -Jay Leno
“President Obama, getting very tough now, has imposed a $500,000 salary cap for executives getting federal bailout money. And, listen to this: Now on weekends, they can only play miniature golf. No more 18 holes.” -Jay Leno
“See, the whole theory behind this salary cap is if you’re not performing well, and you’re taking taxpayer money, then that should be reflected in lower wages. Of course, under that criteria, everybody in Congress should get like, what, 2 bucks an hour?” -Jay Leno
“People are sick and tired of the cold weather. Here’s how cold it was today in Washington, D.C. Vice President Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to keep it warm.” -David Letterman
“After two of his top Cabinet nominees withdrew their bids on Tuesday because of their failure to pay back taxes, President Obama said, ‘This was a mistake; I screwed up.’ That was your mistake? I don’t know if you remember, but the last guy [Bush] broke the world” -Seth Meyers
“Monday is the Westminster Kennel Club’s 133rd Annual Dog Show. As you know, these just aren’t regular dogs. These dogs are scrutinized and gone over, literally, with a fine-tooth comb. And they’re judged, here’s how they’re judged: appearance, of course, appearance. Silky coat, silky coat. Firm hindquarters, firm hindquarters. It’s also how John McCain chose his running mate.” -David Letterman
“So every dog is groomed, blow-dried and flea-dipped. You know, it’s the same thing they did to former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich for the impeachment trial.” -David Letterman
“President Brack Obama has relaxed the White House dress code. He’s the first president to do that since Bill Clinton, who, of course, established ‘Pants-Free Friday.'” -David Letterman
“They’re giving a special Lifetime Achievement Award at the Grammys this year. The Lifetime Achievement Award goes to Aretha Franklin’s hat.” -David Letterman
“At a Groundhog Day ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo on Monday, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg was bitten on the finger by a groundhog, which means six more weeks of winter for us, and six pounds of fresh groundhog meat for the zoo’s lions.” -Seth Meyers
