“Man, here’s something chilling. Former Vice President Dick Cheney is now warning that there will be another terrorist attack. He got that information by waterboarding himself.” -David Letterman
“This week in Washington, President Obama took time out from his busy day to read a book to a group of second graders. Did you see that on the news? It was a fairy tale about a cabinet nominee who once paid all his taxes.” -Jay Leno
“Another one of President Barack Obama’s nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them.” -Craig Ferguson
“It came out today that the House Democratic Caucus spent $500,000 of taxpayers’ money for retreats at luxury resorts and spas. The Democrats say the time was used for strategic planning for the country. So, the resorts are being used for strategic planning. Really? Then what is the Capitol building for? Hello?! Hello?! Isn’t this work?” -Jay Leno
“Hey, listen to this — according to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ the city of Las Vegas wants to use $2 million worth of the economic stimulus package for neon signs. I just hope it doesn’t make the city look tacky.” -Jay Leno
“It’s bad here in California. The unemployment here is the worst it’s been in 25 years. Here’s how bad the unemployment situation is in Hollywood. Right now, people are begging to work with Christian Bale.” -Craig Ferguson
“I don’t want to just ruin everybody’s day, but there is discouraging news everywhere. Unemployment is high. Foreclosure rate is high. Michael Phelps is high.” -David Letterman
“Hey, how about that Rod Blagojevich? You know who I am talking about? The former governor of Illinois was on the program Tuesday. He looks like the guy who would sell you retractable awnings. Blagojevich looks like a guy who runs out of bullets and then throws his gun at Superman.” -David Letterman
“Sarah Palin is back in the news as well. She’s been criticizing anonymous bloggers. She calls them ‘pathetic.’ Apparently she feels that unknown people should not be criticizing politicians, unless the unknown person is running for vice president. Then it’s all right.” -Craig Ferguson
