“I was thinking about the inauguration. It was pretty amazing. There were two million people crammed into that mall this week. Two million people. Not one arrest. Not one crime was committed in Washington. Of course, that will all change now that Congress is back.” -Jay Leno
“The official temperature at the inauguration was 18 degrees. John McCain said it was so cold his teeth were chattering, and they were in his pocket at the time.” -Jay Leno
“Hey, did you hear about this? Today it was revealed that the chamber music they played, you know Itzhak Perlman and Yo-Yo Ma? It was recorded. It was pre-recorded, and they were just kind of lip-syncing. They said it was too important to mess up. You know, unlike the swearing-in ceremony.” -Jay Leno
“You all heard about that, how Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office. Then, the other night, Roberts went to the White House, and they did it over again, which is completely unprecedented. That’s never happened. Not messing up the oath, having someone in government actually go back and fix something.” -Jay Leno
“President Barack Obama has signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. You know what that means? ABC may be forced to cancel ‘The View.'” -Jay Leno
“After lots of discussion and intervention by the Secret Service, Barack Obama will be allowed to keep his BlackBerry, but his use of it will be limited. So I guess it’s gonna be on Verizon.” -Jay Leno
“Actually, it’s a special BlackBerry, built just for him. They’re calling it a ‘BarackBerry.’ This is true. It doesn’t even have a battery. Runs entirely on hope.” -Jay Leno
“And as you know, Barack Obama has become known as the first wired president, because of all his high-tech skills. And I think he showed that during the inaugural address, especially when he said, ‘By working together, we can turn our enemies into our BFFs.’ … Best friends forever.” -Jay Leno
“Here’s some interesting gossip. The New York Daily News says that Michelle Obama didn’t wear her wedding ring to the inaugural balls because it didn’t match her outfit. See, women can do that, huh? Imagine a guy trying to get away with that. A guy comes home, he’s not wearing his wedding ring. ‘Where’s your ring?’ ‘You know, it clashed with my shirt.’ Please, please.” -Jay Leno
“Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid to fill New York’s vacant Senate seat. You heard about this? According to some reports, she dropped out because of marital problems. How bad is your marriage when it keeps you from replacing Hillary?” -Jay Leno
“Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, his impeachment trial is scheduled to begin on Monday. You know, so, it looks like Illinois is going to break even. They have one politician sitting in the White House, the other one sitting in the big house. It’s a wash, pretty much.” -Jay Leno
