“But I want to tell you, it’s so cold. It’s so cold that Sarah Palin shot herself a brand-new coat.” -David Letterman
“I tell you, it’s cold all over the East Coast. And did you see those blizzards all over the place? The whole country was so white the Republicans thought they were back in charge again.” -Jay Leno
“Here’s how cold it is outside. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was selling seats in his hair.” -David Letterman
“I think I have the perfect solution to this cold. I was thinking about it today. Let’s swap countries with Mexico. Everyone who lives there moves here and vice versa. You want it so bad, you can have it. -Jimmy Kimmel
“Incoming press secretary Robert Gibbs said President-elect Barack Obama will allow gays to serve openly in the military. So the days of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ are over. Actually, that’s not quite true. Congress will continue to use the phrase when referring to the bailout money. ‘Don’t Ask Us What We Did With It, We’re Not Going To Tell You Where It Went.'” -Jay Leno
“President-elect Barack Obama plans to close Guantanamo, you know, the big holding center, the big prison, the interrogation center in Cuba. He is going to close that down. And Dick Cheney – I thought this was interesting – Dick Cheney said, ‘Oh, fine, sure, I’m going to buy it and turn it into a vacation home.'” -David Letterman
“And at his confirmation hearing, Attorney General Nominee Eric Holder said as far as he is concerned, waterboarding is torture. And Treasury secretary nominee Tim Geithner said, ‘So is paying taxes.'” -Jay Leno
“As you may have heard, Tim Geithner, who’s been chosen to be our next secretary of the Treasury didn’t pay $34,000 in federal taxes from 2001 to 2004. But to keep the nomination afloat, he paid it this week, plus another $8,000 in interest. So that’s $42,000 the US Treasury made just like that. You know what Barack Obama should do now? He should appoint Willie Nelson to the position of Commerce secretary. What does he owe, $28 million?” -Jay Leno
“President Bush has four days left in office, and he made his farewell address to the nation this evening. He was very gracious regarding Barack Obama. He said Obama offers hope to the nation. And I thought this was nice. He actually went shopping with Laura and personally picked out the bag he’s going to leave Obama holding.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Bush will leave January 20th. Yes. Will it never get here? Cheney, meanwhile, said, “I’ll leave when I damn well feel like it.” But that’s another story.” -David Letterman
“President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he’s not going to fade away. He’s only 62 years old and he says there are still plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall short of, and people to disappoint.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“And the Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, gave his annual State of the State address this morning. And while you might think that after five years in office, he has run out of cute references to his own movies. But he most certainly has not, because he made reference to Conan’s sword in today’s speech. All that’s left is for him to tell the Board of Education about ‘Kindergarten Cop,’ right?” -Jimmy Kimmel
