“In an interview that was taped yesterday, President Bush said that the biggest disappointment of his presidency was the people who expressed bitterness about his leadership. And that was just at the Christmas dinner with his family.” -Jay Leno
“Barack Obama’s inauguration is just a week away. They just announced this. Three days before his inauguration, Barack Obama is going to retrace Abraham Lincoln’s route by taking an Amtrak train from Philadelphia to Washington, DC. Isn’t that cool? Yeah, Obama is making the trip three days early, because it’s Amtrak and even he only has so much hope.” -Conan O’Brien
“The Secret Service is saying that it’s not necessary for Barack Obama to have a BlackBerry. They want to take it away from him, because they say President Clinton only sent two emails during his entire presidency. Yeah, apparently both of Clinton’s emails had the subject line, ‘Yes, I would like to hear more about natural male enhancement.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Barack Obama promised his kids he would get them a dog when they moved to the White House. But President Bush is nervous. When he heard dog in the White House, he thought, ‘Uh oh! What if he digs up all those Al Gore ballots in the back?'” -David Letterman
“Well, all across the country, this is kind of sad, unemployment offices are swamped with people waiting to file for unemployment insurance. It’s gotten so bad that the offices are overwhelmed and can’t function. I got an idea. Why don’t you hire more people? They’re right there in line. Speed this whole thing up!” -Jay Leno
“Toyota’s developing a miniature, environmentally-friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Yeah. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood.” -Conan O’Brien
“Health experts are now concerned that this bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it recession pounds. You heard about this? You put on recession pounds during economic hardship. So guys, if your wife or your girlfriend says, ‘Do these pants make me look like we’re in a recession?,’ be careful what you say.” -Jay Leno
“Is it cold outside? Yeah! Here’s how cold it is. It is so cold in the Midwest, out there in Chicago, Governor Blagojevich had to put the ear flaps down on his hair.” -David Letterman
“The mayor of Baltimore, a woman named Sheila Dixon, has now been charged with 12 counts of felony theft, perjury, fraud and misconduct in office. The good news? She’s now eligible to become either mayor of Detroit or governor of Illinois. So congratulations to her.” -Jay Leno
“It’s cold here in New York City. The temperature is actually lower than President Bush’s approval rating.” -David Letterman
“President Bush had his final press conference today, and it went pretty well. Only three shoes were thrown.” -David Letterman
“After eight years, it is kind of sad President Bush had his final press conference. And you know what that means for us here at the ‘Late Show.’ We’re going to have to start writing our own comedy again.” -David Letterman
“Today, I have to say, it’s been a roller coaster of emotion for me. This morning, the president gave a press conference, which always has me at the edge of my seat. They’re like the Olympics. They happen once every four years, and you’re pretty sure, in the end, China is going to win. But this one was particularly bittersweet, folks, because it was President Bush’s last. … Has it really been eight years? It seems that just yesterday, he was a young Texas governor with an impressive record. He’d won over almost as many voters as he had executed. I never thought the end of the Bush presidency would come so soon. But today, I had to begin the painful process of saying hello to good-bye.” -Stephen Colbert
