Political Irony

“Here’s an interesting story. According to the Washington Post, President Bush spent 2,496 hours on various exercise machines during his time in the White House. That’s a lot. I guess during retirement he’s just going to read a lot of classified memos.” -Jay Leno

“President Bush’s term is winding down, and all these articles are coming out, very strange articles about him. According to an article that just came out in a fitness magazine … the president often rides a stationary bike on-board Air Force One. That’s true. Advisors say he pedals really hard because he thinks he’s powering the plane.” -Conan O’Brien

“Five years ago tomorrow, I believe, you know what it was? We have an anniversary. They captured Saddam Hussein. Captured Saddam Hussein. Yeah. You know who gets a really big kick out of that? … Bin Laden. He just thinks that’s the funniest thing” -David Letterman

“Hey, kind of an emergency today. There was smoke coming from the Capitol Visitors Center in Washington, DC, a small fire. So far, arson investigators have narrowed it down to three suspects: head of General Motors, head of Chrysler, head of Ford. Could be any one of them!” -Jay Leno

“When Vice President-elect Biden takes office next month, he’s going to have a new family member on hand: a German Shepherd puppy. Biden has had three German Shepherds in the past, and he likes them because they’re smart and they’re quick learners. Which will come in handy, because as you know, the vice president’s dog is always standing by in case President Obama’s dog becomes incapacitated.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“And this particular dog, he’s only a month old. Already, Biden taught him a trick. He already learned how to put his foot in his mouth. Isn’t that cute?” -Jimmy Kimmel

“The Obama girls are getting a puppy, Biden is getting a German Shepherd puppy, and Hillary Clinton will do all the spaying and neutering.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Barack Obama this week named Nobel Prize-winning physicist Steve Chu as his energy secretary, unless he was just sneezing.” -Amy Poehler

Blagojevich

“Time magazine reports that Governor Blagojevich has an approval rating 4%. That’s with a margin of error of 5%. That means he could actually disapprove of himself.” -Jay Leno

“The Blagojevich scandal continues. Earlier this week, of course, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was accused of auctioning off a Senate seat to the highest bidder. Now his approval rating is at 8%. Yeah, when he heard this, Blagojevich said, ‘Eight? Do I hear a nine? 10?” -Conan O’Brien

“This is what politicians do whenever they get in trouble. Early this morning, embattled Illinois Governor Rod Bla-son-of-a-bitch — is that his name? — I keep saying it wrong. … Well, they always do this. He invited several ministers into his home this morning. Well, first, he prayed with them. And then, you know, out of force of habit, he tried to take up a collection.” -Jay Leno

“Prosecutors said Tuesday there is no evidence that Barack Obama was involved in the Blagojevich scandal. Or, as Fox News reported it, ‘Is Barack Obama involved in the Blagojevich scandal?'” -Amy Poehler

“Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says the budget crisis in California is only getting worse. He said it is so bad, we may have to start selling Senate seats here.” -Jay Leno

“Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested Tuesday for trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. When agents arrived at his house, Blagojevich asked for five minutes to pack up his things, and eight hours to brush his hair.” -Amy Poehler

“Sources say that Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. is Senate Candidate Number Five, whose emissary allegedly told Governor Blagojevich that, in return for Jesse being appointed as Barack Obama’s replacement to the U.S. Senate, the governor would receive as much as $1 million. Now, if this turns out to be true, this could be the worst setback for the Jackson family since the invention of DNA paternity tests.” -Jay Leno