The Transition Continues
“In a speech this morning, Barack Obama said, ‘This isn’t about big government or small government. It’s about building a smarter government.’ When he heard this, President Bush said, ‘I get it. I get it. I’m leaving.'” -Conan O’Brien
“That Obama is a smart, hard-working guy. And he has promised now to stabilize the economy, going to rebuild the infrastructure, create millions of new jobs, catch bin Laden. President Bush said, ‘Uh, you can do that?'” -David Letterman
“Barack Obama’s people are trying to lower expectations for the new Obama administration, you know, because everybody thinks he’s going to be able to fix things all at once. So the expectations are very high, but if they want to lower expectations, quit hiring the Clinton people and keep some of those Bush people on.” -Jay Leno
“A lot of people have forgotten about President Bush, but this transitional period is a busy time for President Bush as well. He’s busy granting pardons. Today, he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric.” -David Letterman
The Economy
“Welcome to ‘The Tonight Show.’ I have some wonderful news for you. Everyone in our audience tonight is getting a Federal bailout. Congratulations!” -Jay Leno
“Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, ‘Thank you, Oprah.'” -David Letterman
“Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week.” -Jay Leno
“Everyone’s talking about the American auto industry right now. A new study just came out and found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety rating. Of all the cars, yeah. Yeah, apparently, Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer’s lot.” -Conan O’Brien
“And this is true, the Big Three automakers are now talking about driving back to Washington in December. Remember the big uproar last week when they all flew to Washington in private jets? Well, now they’re going to carpool. No, this is true. And to make sure there aren’t any problems, they’re driving a Toyota.” -Jay Leno
“And tomorrow, President Bush will pardon turkeys. This year, I think you know the turkeys, the Lehman brothers.” -David Letterman
Here’s what I don’t like about the turkeys this year, they’re arrogant. These turkeys that they’re going to pardon this year, they’re arrogant. They’re flying in from Detroit on their private jets.” -David Letterman
“But right now, right this very minute, Dick Cheney is waterboarding the turkeys.” -David Letterman
“Well, an estimated 271 million turkeys were raised in United States this year. That’s not even counting the turkeys that are here illegally.” -Jay Leno
“I tell you, the economy is bad. In fact, today — you know the White House turkey? Turned down the pardon. Said all his money’s in the market. Nothing left to live for.” -Jay Leno
“Now, because of the recent controversy, AIG, remember they got the big bailout, AIG? Well, they’re now paying their CEO a salary, $1 a year. How many think that’s fair? Yeah? How many still think he’s overpaid? No, that’s pretty good. I think that’s a nice gesture, having the CEO work for just $1 a year. Oh, he’ll still get his $300 million bonus, but the salary will be $1.” -Jay Leno
Politics
“Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, ‘For a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign.’ Unfortunately for McCain, those people are called Democrats.” -Conan O’Brien
“Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She’s going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is.” -Craig Ferguson
“A political organization has filmed a new TV ad thanking Sarah Palin for all she did during the presidential campaign. Yeah. I believe the political organization is called the Democratic Party.” -Jay Leno
“Listen to this, a guy in North Carolina, a mailman, a Federal employee, a postal worker, was arrested and put in jail. You know why? He would deliver regular mail, but he wouldn’t deliver junk mail. They got the guy, they arrested him, and they put him in prison. We got that guy, but still no word on bin Laden.” -David Letterman
