The Obama Transition
“The Obama transition team has leaked that his top choice for homeland security chief is Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano. Her first job? Find out who leaked her name.” -Jay Leno
“Well you know what’s really strange? If she gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy — if he wasn’t president — whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. ‘Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.'” -Jay Leno
“And how out of it is President Bush? Today, they asked him what he thought about Napolitano; he said, ‘It’s delicious, especially the strawberry part.'” -Jay Leno
“Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama’s offer to become secretary of state. That’s what they’re saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said ‘yes.'” -Conan O’Brien
“A New York elementary school became the first school in the country to be named after Barack Obama. Yeah, that’s very nice. Yeah, unfortunately, no one likes their team’s new nickname, the Fighting Husseins.” -Conan O’Brien
The Economy
“The three auto companies in the United States, they’re all scrambling to come up with a plan, some way to reinvent themselves. Well this week Ford did its part. Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. Isn’t that amazing? Yeah, and when asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, ‘$25 billion.’ They just want that money; they don’t care. That’s without mud flaps.” -Conan O’Brien
“General Motors announced they are selling two of their private jets. The bad news? They’re being bought by the executives at AIG.” -Jay Leno
“Well, it doesn’t look as if the U.S. automakers are going to get their bailout money. Congress said yesterday they were concerned about giving the Big Three automakers money just to keep making the same stupid mistakes. And, believe me, when it comes to making the same stupid mistakes, Congress knows what it’s talking about.” -Jay Leno
“In an editorial this week, Mitt Romney said we should let Detroit go bankrupt. He feels the car industry is not worth bailing out. The only industries that Romney would bail out? The tanning booth industry, tooth polishing industry and hair dye industry. Everything else can pretty much go to hell.” -Jay Leno
“See, the problem for the automakers is there’s not a big demand for their cars right now. Here’s how you fix that: You get Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, get them back on the highway crashing into people, okay? This would create a demand for new cars, and they will all be back in business again.” -Jay Leno
“You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It’s bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They’re laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.” -David Letterman
“But, no, they’re not going to have department-store Santa Claus, so if you take your kids in there, you’ve got to give your list to the girl who sprays you with perfume.” -David Letterman
“U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they’re having a hard time getting people to send rescue money. Here’s what the UN should do: Invest in bad mortgages, run a bank into the ground, give yourself a bonus, get some spa treatments and, in no time, the government will send you $750 billion.” -Jay Leno
“According to some statistics the government released yesterday, Mexican immigration to the United States has dropped 42 percent over the last two years. And you have to hand it to President Bush, he knew that the way to stop people from sneaking into the country, it’s not to build a fence or a wall, it’s to make this country very undesirable. Most illegal immigrants come here to make money, but now we don’t have any money anymore. That’s Number 43 for you, always thinking ahead.” -Jimmy Kimmel
Beyond the Palin
“Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, though she said she was amazed to find out that, besides being a bird, Turkey is also a country. Did you see that all over the internet today? While Sarah Palin was pardoning a turkey, right behind her was a guy slaughtering turkeys. … But, see, like most internet stories, a little half-true. Turns out that, after a couple of minutes listening to Sarah Palin’s voice, the turkeys said ‘Kill us now.'” -Jay Leno
“How about Sarah Palin? What a gal! Making a $7 million book deal. And she’s very excited because she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house. But she’s got a tremendous deal, and she got a great guy working on the deal: Joe the Agent. He closed the deal.” -David Letterman
“Thanksgiving, just around the corner. And you can tell it’s Thanksgiving ’cause I turn on the TV this morning, there’s ‘The Rachael Ray Show.’ You watch ‘The Rachael Ray Show.’ And, by God, there’s Sarah Palin stuffin’ a moose. But, you know, it’s a great time of year to help people less fortunate than we are. So this Thanksgiving, if you can, why not bring home a Lehman Brother?” -David Letterman
