Political Irony

The Obama Pre-Presidency

“It’s Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s birthday today. And Barack Obama bought him 12 cupcakes for his birthday, which is a smart gift to give Biden because when his mouth is full of cupcakes he can’t say anything stupid.” -Craig Ferguson

“Yesterday was a nice day. Barack Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha made their first visit to the White House. The girls were excited to see where they’ll be living, and President Bush was excited to finally have somebody to play hide-and-seek with.” -Conan O’Brien

“But there are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins gave the Obama girls a tour of the White House. It was very sweet, but the Obama girls got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney’s underground lair.” -David Letterman

“And then the Bush twins grabbed a candle and took the kids on a tour of Cheney’s torture chamber.” -David Letterman

“Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world.” -Conan O’Brien

Politics As Usual

“Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she’s the Vice President of Missouri.” -Conan O’Brien

“John McCain announced today that he is beginning his 2010 senatorial campaign. And I’m thinking, wow! Two more years of a John McCain campaign, hey, cut me a slice of that!” -David Letterman

“President Bush has exactly two months left in office. His team is already hard at work packing his Legos for the long move back to Texas.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“But we’re coming out of the last few weeks, days of the President Bush Administration, and President Bush is changing a lot of laws so you’ve got to keep your eye on him. And what he’s doing now, one of the things that really upsets me, he’s taken a lot of things, a lot of stuff, off the endangered species list. Do you know what I’m talking about? Do you like endangered species? Well, so I do. I had one for lunch. But I’ll tell you, this taking things of the endangered species list is bad, it’s really bad. In fact, it is really bad news for that thing on Donald Trump’s head.” -David Letterman

“Ashley Dupre, the prostitute at the center of the Eliot Spitzer story — remember, the New York governor caught with the prostitute — giving an interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC tomorrow night. It will be on their new show, ‘Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition.'” -Jay Leno

“Well, here’s some exciting television news. Tomorrow night, Ashley Dupre, who was involved with former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, will be interviewed tomorrow night on ’20/20.’ Unless of course she has to rush back to Washington to fix the economy.” -David Letterman

“She’s in People magazine, Ashley Dupre. She wants to put it all behind her. Yeah. She says that when she told her mom she was a hooker, her mom was supportive. Really? How do you show you’re supportive of your daughter’s hooking career? What, do you have a bumper sticker sticker? ‘Oh, my daughter is a honor hooker at the Emperor’s Club.'” -Jay Leno

“Ashley Dupre said she was sorry for the pain she caused Eliot Spitzer’s wife. She said she felt connected to her. You know, maybe if she hadn’t been connected to her husband, none of this would have happened.” -Jay Leno

“Actually, there’s one awkward moment during the interview. While she was talking to Diane Sawyer, Governor Spitzer called in and said, ‘How much for the both of them?’ That was really awkward.” -Jay Leno

Bailout Bonanza

“The auto executives for the Big Three are being criticized now, because, before they asked Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. Yeah, separately, in private jets. In their defense, the executives said, ‘We would have driven, but our cars only get three miles to the gallon.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Executives of General Motors, Ford and Chrysler testified on Capitol Hill, trying to get a $25 billion loan. President Bush was against the loan until Dick Cheney whispered in his ear, ‘Cars use oil.'” -Jay Leno

“Today, Congress demanded a business plan from the three automakers before they’d even consider giving them taxpayer money. A business plan? How come we didn’t get to see a business plan before Congress gave away 750 billion of our dollars?” -Jay Leno

“I’ve got an idea. How about this idea? Instead of giving $25 billion to the car companies, give it to us, with the provision it can only be used to buy a Corvette. They get the money, everybody back to work, and we all get a new car!” -Jay Leno

“In case you didn’t hear, the economy is having a going out of business sale right now. The Dow took another major dive today. It lost 443 points. That adds up to 873 points over the last two days. The Dow is dropping so frequently they have decided to just add an ‘n’ to the end of it.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“International maritime officials say 39 ships have been hijacked by pirates this year on the high seas. See, luckily, we don’t have pirates in America that rob and plunder. We just have CEOs.” -Jay Leno