Political Irony

The Bailout Continues

“The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money.” -Jay Leno

“The three C.E.O.s made a huge mistake today. You may have seen this — they each flew to Washington in their own private jet to ask for $25 billion bailout. Even A.I.G. executives are going, ‘What are you thinking?'” -Jay Leno

“Auto executives, the Big Three, are asking Congress now for bailout money. Yeah. Hey, don’t kid yourself. Things are getting desperate, and if they get any worse, these guys may have to trim their $10 million bonuses.” -David Letterman

“Earlier today, the heads of GM, Ford, and Chrysler appeared together in front of Congress to ask for a $25 billion bailout. And here’s what’s interesting. When asked what they would do with the money, all three of them said, ‘Buy a new BMW.'” -Conan O’Brien

“That’s the big debate in Washington, now, whether to bail out Detroit automakers. Because if they went under, we’d lose millions and millions of jobs. You know what we need to do? And this is what I think would work. We need to get Oprah to buy everybody a car again, that would turn this thing around!” -Jay Leno

“They each took their own private jet that cost $20,000 round trip. And here’s the sad part, today the Japanese announced they have a jet that costs half that and gets better mileage.” -Jay Leno

“Do you like those al Qaeda guys? They’re creepy, aren’t they, those al Qaeda guys? And they’re taunting us now. And this guy, al-Zawahiri, he’s like the second guy in charge, he released one of those wise guy, smart-alecky audio tapes. In it, he condemns the United States, just flat, right across the board. And at the end, he wants to know if he can get some of that sweet Federal bailout money.” -David Letterman

Obamapedia

“Sociologists believe that nine months after election day, there could be thousands of Obama babies born, ’cause a lot of people celebrated a big victory by having sex. But, you know, they act like this is new. This is not new. In fact, you know, John McCain was a Lincoln baby.” -Jay Leno

“Once he becomes president, Barack Obama will not be allowed to use his Blackberry, or even his email anymore for, security reasons. Obama says, even if he can’t email, he still wants to be the first president to have a laptop on his desk in the Oval Office. See, Bush thought he had a laptop. Turns out it was just an Etch-a-Sketch.” -Jay Leno

“Because he’s a kind of a techno guy, the press is calling Obama the first wired president. As opposed to President Bush, who was the first wiretap president.” -Jay Leno

“The big rumor yesterday was that Barack Obama would select Hillary Clinton to be his secretary of state. Now it seems like that might not be the case and there are a lot of theories as to why. But maybe the best indicator that she might not take the job, apparently this morning, Bill took down his e-Harmony page.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“The word is that Hillary Clinton does want the job as secretary of state. And as you know, the secretary of state serves at the pleasure of the president, to which Bill said, ‘Yeah, that will be a first.'” -Jay Leno

“Are you excited about Hillary Clinton? It looks like she’ll be named Secretary of State. They’re talking about that. And she’ll also receive the home version of the presidency and some other wonderful prizes.” -David Letterman

Politics as Usual

“And the longest-serving Republican senator, Ted Stevens of Alaska, was just convicted of seven felonies. He’s on his way to jail, lost his Senate race in a squeaker, a squeaker. Which, ironically, is what they call the new guy in prison.” -Jay Leno

“The annual People magazine ‘World’s Sexiest Man’ issue is on the stands today. Hugh Jackman, ‘sexiest man alive.’ But this is odd — Al Franken is demanding a recount.” -David Letterman

“Eliot Spitzer’s call girl, remember her? She’s being interviewed on ’20/20′ this Friday. And she told ’20/20,’ no matter how long the interview lasts, even if the interview’s only 15 minutes, they still have to pay for the whole hour.” -Jay Leno

World Affairs

“Pirates from Somalia hijacked a Saudi Arabian super tanker full of oil and are holding it for ransom. You know what you call someone who hijacks a ton of oil [and] holds it for ransom? Anybody know? Exxon Mobil.” -Jay Leno

“Is it chilly outside today? I’m telling you, coming to work today, it was so cold, I was shaking like Sarah Palin taking a geography test.” -David Letterman