Political Irony

“According to all the studies, somewhere between 8% and 14% of voters are still undecided. Who are these morons? You know? This has been going on for what, four years. You don’t know. What, do you need another year to figure this out? Gee, I wonder where my candidate stands on UFO abductions? I’m going to wait.” -Jay Leno

“I saw that in the paper today, there was a kid [who said], ‘I still haven’t decided who I’m voting for.’ Still torn. 18 months was not enough. I’m going to find that guy and beat him to death with his shoe. That’s what I’m going to do.” -Conan O’Brien

“On the east coast, the polls open in seven hours. Very long lines are expected. If you’re not already lined up, it is too late. You have to wait until 2012. That’s true. But I’ll tell you something, I don’t think the lines are going to matter. This is a country that waits 18 hours on line for an iPhone. We’ll sit for three days in the rain to get Halo 2. We’ll camp out on the sidewalk for a week to get the first ticket to see a ‘Star Wars’ movie that we know is going to be crap. … If we can wait in line to see the Jonas brothers, then by God, I say we can wait in line to elect the next president of the United States.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“I understand the networks are playing it very, very cautiously. You know, they don’t want to show any favoritism. In fact, MSNBC announced today they’re not even going to declare Barack Obama the winner until after the votes are counted.” -Jay Leno

“Endorsements are important in a campaign. Even as late as we where now, endorsements are important. And John McCain was endorsed by Dick Cheney. Yeah. So things just keep getting better and better for Barack Obama.” -David Letterman

“In Florida, voting officials turned down a request for a nudist-only voting booth. That’s true, yeah. The officials said they were afraid that nudists would pull the wrong lever.” -Conan O’Brien

“I’m no pundit, I’m no expert, but McCain needed Cheney’s endorsement like I need more Lehman Brothers stock.” -David Letterman

“How about that Hillary? She’s all upset because they have been using her recorded message of her criticizing Barack Obama. The McCain campaign got ahold of this audio where Hillary is saying unflattering things about Barack Obama, and they’re using them now. They call it one of those robocalls. Do you ever get some of those? Hillary is furious, because she wanted to make those calls herself.” -David Letterman

“According to the latest AP poll, Ralph Nader is getting less than 1%. Less than 1%. How embarrassing, he’s actually losing to low fat milk.” -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama was joined on stage by Bruce Springsteen in Ohio on Sunday. There was one tense moment when somebody in the audience yelled out, ‘Born in the USA!’ And Obama said, ‘For the last time, yes, dammit, I was!” -Jimmy Kimmel

“You may have heard about this. I understand Senator Larry Craig got arrested for tapping his foot in the voting booth next to him. He has a wide voting stance, apparently. Well here’s the really disturbing part. Turns out Senator Craig actually registered to vote under the name ‘Dangling Chad.'” -Jay Leno

“I can’t believe this happened. Over the weekend, a comedian, I guess on the radio, tricked Sarah Palin into getting on the phone by pretending he was French president Nicolas Sarkozy. Yeah, the comedian says it was really difficult to trick Palin into believing he was Nicolas Sarkozy, because she has no idea who that is. No clue.” -Conan O’Brien

“Tonight at midnight in Arizona, this is the latest, John McCain appeared at his final campaign event, which is being called the midnight road to victory. Yeah. Of course, for McCain, the midnight road to victory is the hallway between his bedroom and bathroom.” -Conan O’Brien