[Jokes from Aug 7, 2017]
As of Friday, Donald Trump is on a 17-day vacation at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. He’s there to relax after months of grueling golf at Mar-a-Lago. – Stephen Colbert
President Trump is in the middle of his 17-day trip to his New Jersey golf course, but he says it isn’t a vacation. And the staff at the White House said, “For us it is.” – Jimmy Fallon
We reached an important milestone today, because it was Donald Trump’s 200th day in the White House today. Whooo! Of course, he celebrated in his favorite way, by not going to work at the White House. – James Corden
The White House is undergoing a $3.4 million renovation. Trump said he’s hoping to replace the kitchen, the carpeting, and the attorney general. – Conan O’Brien
In fact this morning Trump tweeted he will be working in New Jersey while the White House goes through a long-planned renovation. Yeah, the White House does need some work. Apparently that place has a ton of leaks. – James Corden
President Trump is on 17-day vacation at a golf course — and tweeted 15 times today. – Jimmy Kimmel
But the president swears he’s not taking it easy, tweeting: “Working in Bedminster, N.J., as long-planned construction is being done at the White House. This is not a vacation — meetings and calls!” Meetings AND calls! Wow! Both of them! Trump has to do all that during his vacation? Man, I would NOT want to work for Vladimir Putin. Tough boss! – Stephen Colbert
Meanwhile the Russian president, Vladimir Putin, is also on vacation. Which is kind of suspicious. It’s like when your husband and secretary go on a work trip together. – Jimmy Kimmel
Of course, since it’s Putin, he also released photos of himself chilling by the river. [shows photo of bare-chested Putin] Man, those sanctions have already devastated the Russian shirt industry. – Stephen Colbert
As much as people complain about Trump going on vacation, at least he keeps his shirt on. – Jimmy Fallon
Trump’s buddy Vladimir Putin is also taking a break. He’s in Siberia putting on a snorkel and shooting fish with a spear gun. Though he later claimed the fish were killed by Ukrainian separatists. – Stephen Colbert
The Kremlin just released photos of Vladimir Putin on vacation. Putin was like, “Forget about the dad bod, feast your eyes on the Vlad bod.” – Jimmy Fallon
I will say, compared to Trump THAT looks like a vacation. I would love to go on a bro-down fishing trip with Vladimir Putin. I’ll bet it would be so much fun that I’d NEVER come back. – Stephen Colbert
Vice President Mike Pence denies he’s planning to run for president in 2020. He said, “I’m pretty sure I’ll be president way before then.” – Conan O’Brien
Pence is like, “This is ridiculous. I’m not focused on being president in 2020, I’m focused on being president after Trump is impeached sometime this year.” – James Corden
Mike Pence is denying speculation that he wants to be elected president in 2020. Pence was like, “I think you mean re-elected president in 2020.” – Jimmy Fallon
According to The New York Times, Vice President Mike Pence is planning on running for president if Trump doesn’t run for a second term. But he issued a statement strongly denying the article, saying it was disgraceful, offensive to me, my family and our entire team. He said to suggest he is running for president in 2020 is laughable and absurd. Right, why would Mike Pence want to be president in 2020? He’s going to be president much, much sooner than that. – Jimmy Kimmel
Vice President Mike Pence is adamantly denying a New York Times article claiming that he has begun a secret campaign for a presidential run in 2020. He says he has even less interest in being president than Trump does, which is saying something. – James Corden
Former communications director Anthony Scaramucci wants to turn his time in the White House into a sitcom. Networks say it’s impossible, because sitcoms have to last at least 30 minutes. – Jimmy Fallon
According to reports, officials at the Department of Agriculture told staffers to avoid the term “climate change” in their research and to use terms like “weather extremes” instead. And instead of earthquakes, they’re now called “li’l shakeroos.” – Seth Meyers
Fox News host Eric Bolling has been suspended following reports that he sent lewd photos to multiple female coworkers. Or as Fox News is reporting it: “Did Hillary Frame Eric Bolling?” – Seth Meyers
Tonight was the finale of “The Bachelorette.” Millions of people tuned into the finale to see who Rachel would spend the rest of her summer with. – Jimmy Fallon
The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated its fifth year in space by humming “Happy Birthday” to itself. The Rover then drank a bottle of white wine and cried itself to sleep. – Conan O’Brien
