[Jokes from Jun 29, 2017]
I’m going to say something I didn’t think was possible anymore: I am shocked by something Donald Trump said. I thought, by now, that my soul had calcified into a crouton. Not true, because today, the president of the United States tweeted, “How come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe, came to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year’s Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!” – Stephen Colbert
Trump accused Mika Brzezinski of getting plastic surgery, which is odd, because that’s the only thing covered by his healthcare plan. – Jimmy Fallon
First of all, someone bleeding badly at your door, and you say no? Sounds like your healthcare plan. I mean, turning them away from your hotel during the middle of winter is literally the story of Christmas. Only there wasn’t a wise man in sight. – Stephen Colbert
Let’s stop pretending Trump is a symptom of something. He’s the disease, and the only cure is three and a half years of liquor and bed rest. – Stephen Colbert
Of course, the first lady defended her husband via her spokesperson: “As the first lady has stated publicly in the past, when her husband gets attacked, he will punch back 10 times harder.” Yes, as the first lady says, “When they go low, we go 10 times lower.” – Stephen Colbert
Last night, President Trump hosted the first fundraiser for his 2020 re-election campaign. The event was black tie, but white guests. – Seth Meyers
Today, President Trump met with the newly elected president of South Korea. “Do you speak English?” asked the president of South Korea. – Seth Meyers
For the fourth time, a small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as its mayor. People were so excited; at the victory party, they kept chanting, “28 more years! 28 more years!” – Jimmy Fallon
This weekend is the July 4th holiday weekend, or as your dog calls it, PTSD Day. – Seth Meyers
Airbnb is planning to launch a luxury service for mansions. They say it’s perfect for people who want to have everything stolen from their mansion. – Jimmy Fallon
A company in New York City has opened what some are calling a nonalcoholic cocktail bar that creates drinks using lemons and herbal ingredients instead of alcohol. And this is cool — they’re using empty chairs instead of customers. – Seth Meyers
A woman gave birth to a baby on a recent Spirit Airlines flight. When the flight attendant said, “Is there a doctor on board?” the passengers said, “Of course not. This is Spirit Airlines.” – Jimmy Fallon
Today is the 10th anniversary of the release of the first iPhone. It’s also the 10th anniversary of someone asking their bartender, “Um, can you charge this for me?” – Jimmy Fallon
A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on social media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see co-workers in a bathing suit. – Seth Meyers
