[Jokes from Jun 5, 2017]
Last week, President Trump announced the United States will withdraw from the Paris climate agreement. Trump said he wants the entire country to be the same temperature as a Florida golf course. – Jimmy Fallon
In Michigan, a Republican congressman said that God would “take care of” climate change. So now, a group of polar bears are on their way to “take care of” a Republican congressman in Michigan. – Conan O’Brien
In protest of President Trump abandoning the Paris climate accord, the CEO of Disney has resigned from Trump’s business advisory council. It’s not a good sign when a company led by a giant talking mouse is telling the president to be more realistic. – Conan O’Brien
Hillary Clinton’s running mate, Tim Kaine, tweeted that Trump is pulling out of it because he’s jealous of Obama. Then Kaine waited for one of his 25 followers to retweet him. – Jimmy Fallon
But to show its commitment to honoring the agreement, New York City lit up its buildings in green. Though if we’re really worried about the environment — how about we DON’T light up each of our buildings all night? – Jimmy Fallon
The White House announced today that they’re kicking off “Infrastructure Week.” It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you. – Stephen Colbert
It started with Trump’s plan to turn the air traffic control functions of the FAA into a nonprofit corporation. Although, to be fair, any company Trump runs is eventually nonprofit. – Stephen Colbert
You know how the Trump administration kept insisting that his travel ban wasn’t a travel ban? Well, at 6:25 this morning the president weighed in on that himself. He wrote, “People, the lawyers and the courts can call it whatever they want but I am calling it what we need, and what it is, a TRAVEL BAN.” – Jimmy Kimmel
It’s like the last five minutes of an episode of “Law & Order: SVU” where the murderer tells Mariska Hargitay everything: “It was a travel ban all along.” – Jimmy Kimmel
This has to be maddening for White House “stress secretary” Sean Spicer. This is a guy, he specifically went out in front of the press and insisted that this was not a travel ban. And now Trump is in all-caps saying it is a travel ban. – Jimmy Kimmel
I know this happened five days ago, but I will not be denied the chance to enjoy Trump’s tweet from just after midnight last Wednesday: “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” OK. Strong statement. Bold. Presidential. Reminds of the first draft of the Gettysburg address: “Four score and seven ratselttab.” – Stephen Colbert
Of course, the internet lost their covfefe over this. Why did the president type that? It was the new “What color is the dress?” But instead of “white versus blue,” it was “sleepy versus stroke”. – Stephen Colbert
The “Wonder Woman” movie shattered the glass ceiling, breaking $100 million in box office sales. In fact, the only way “Wonder Woman” could have done better is if she had campaigned in Wisconsin. – Conan O’Brien
“Wonder Woman” made $100 million at the box office this weekend. Meanwhile, Wonder Man made $121 million for doing the same job. – Seth Meyers
Several panelists on Fox News accused “Wonder Woman” of not being American enough because her costume isn’t red, white and blue. They’re also saying to really be American, it should be a double XL. – Conan O’Brien
“Wonder Woman” made over $100 million at the box office this weekend, and beat “Captain Underpants.” But I think Captain Underpants is in denial — he’s been handing out electoral maps to show the theaters where he won. – Jimmy Fallon
A new study claims that popular people may live longer than unpopular people. If that’s true, Shia LaBeouf died in 1982. – Conan O’Brien
Walmart is offering a new service where employees will deliver items to your house on their way home from work. Not only that — they’ll also deliver the items in a Target bag so your neighbors think you’re classy. – Jimmy Fallon
At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America’s largest suppliers of hunting rifles. – James Corden
Walmart is already trying to capitalize on this by changing their slogan to “Walmart: Where You Can Always Save a Buck.” – James Corden
A Texas man went on a date to see “Guardians of the Galaxy 2,” and is now suing his date for texting during the movie. He thinks he can sue her for texting. Who does this man think he is — the Guardian of the Samsung Galaxy? – James Corden
The man said texting during a movie is “one of my biggest pet peeves.” Now, pet peeves are not what lawsuits are for. You don’t sue someone because they say expresso instead of espresso. – James Corden
It’s going to make it very hard for him on future dates. It’s going to be like, “So how did your last relationship end”? And he will be like, “On an episode of ‘Judge Judy’.” – James Corden
Two Papa John’s employees in Washington State were arrested this week for allegedly delivering cocaine in pizza boxes. Authorities became suspicious when Papa John’s started getting five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long. – Seth Meyers
Today, 15 new features were revealed about the upcoming iPhone 8. The biggest new feature is the battery that only lasts until the announcement of the iPhone 9. – Conan O’Brien
Did you watch the game last night? Turned out to be not so great this year. The Warriors clobbered the Cavaliers again. Beat them by 19 points. They won the first game by 22 points. I’m hoping the next few games are closer. If I wanted to see a bunch of blowouts I’d watch Fox News, folks. – Jimmy Kimmel
A boy in Maryland this weekend was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters. – Seth Meyers
