[Jokes from May 10, 2017]
Yesterday, Donald Trump fired the director of the FBI, James Comey, and I guess Comey heard about it right before a recruitment event he was going to speak at. Then he was like, “Hey, while I’m recruiting — anyone wanna be director? It just came up. I just got the email.” – Jimmy Fallon
We’re starting with what might be the most shocking episode of “The Celebrity President” yet. President Trump yesterday said adios to James Comey, who was director of the FBI, and also was in charge of investigating his campaign’s relationship with the Russians. He fired the guy who is investigating him. When we said Trump should act more presidential, we probably should have specified we didn’t mean Nixon. – Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday, FBI Director James Comey got a letter from President Trump informing him that his services were no longer needed. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, “I would kill for one of those letters.” – Conan O’Brien
Trump had his long-time personal bodyguard deliver a letter in a manila envelope to FBI headquarters informing him he was fired. James Comey wasn’t there, he was here in L.A. speaking to a group of FBI agents and they had the TV on. He sees on the news that he was fired. He thought it was a prank. For real, he thought it was — which makes you wonder what kind of friends he has. – Jimmy Kimmel
They’re also saying when he got the news, Comey thought it was a prank and started laughing. But to be fair, that’s also how Trump reacted when he won the election. “That’s very good — where’s Ashton Kutcher? I love that guy!” – Jimmy Fallon
It’s been a historic day. We have reached a milestone as a nation. It’s not just that the president fired the head of the FBI. No, here’s the milestone — we have apparently elected a president who truly does not care about what anything looks like. Which is surprising for a guy whose actual face we’ve never seen. – Stephen Colbert
Today, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he had nothing to do with the firing of FBI Director James Comey. Putin said, “How could I? He’s still alive, isn’t he?” – Conan O’Brien
Of course, it drew immediate reactions from other politicians. When she heard Comey was fired, Hillary called him and said, “Aw, did someone take away a job that was rightfully yours? Ah, too bad!” – Jimmy Fallon
The White House announced yesterday that President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Yet another long-time dream that Trump stole from Hillary. – Seth Meyers
Today, President Trump promised to bring back “the spirit and prestige of the FBI.” Trump said, “When I’m arrested, I want to be arrested by the very best.” – Conan O’Brien
The fallout continues after the surprise firing of FBI Director James Comey yesterday. Apparently Comey was in Los Angeles and found out that he was fired when he saw it on television. Which basically means Trump fired the head of the FBI the same way he fired Gary Busey — on television. – James Corden
Now of course President Trump spoke about the backlash. He gave a very calm and measured interview to NPR. I’m kidding! He fired off a string of angry tweets. – James Corden
The word is Trump has been planning to fire Comey for at least a week. And he evidently asked Attorney General Jeff Sessions to come up with reasons to fire him. So now the Department of Justice is the Department of Justification. – Stephen Colbert
It’s come out that in the days before the Comey firing, Donald Trump would often scream at cable TV. He would usually yell, “YOU’RE not the Cake Boss — I’M the Cake Boss!” – Conan O’Brien
The whole administration is facing questions about this firing. After reporters were hounding Press Secretary Sean Spicer for comments, he did what any professional White House press secretary would do: He hid in the bushes. – James Corden
After news of the Comey firing broke last night, Press Secretary Sean Spicer avoided reporters by hiding behind a bush outside the White House. Today, Bill Clinton said, “Oh yeah, I remember that bush.” – Conan O’Brien
Think about that for a second — a grown man hiding in the bushes from doing his job. That’s like when I hide in the gym toilets to avoid my personal trainer. “Get your feet up, he won’t know I’m in here!” – James Corden
Spicer finally agreed to come out if the reporters turned their camera lights off and their cameras. I guess for some reason he felt like the White House press secretary crawling out of his hiding place might be a bad visual. – Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday when the Comey firing happened, White House “stress secretary” Sean Spicer was about to leave for his Navy Reserve duty. And he didn’t want to answer questions, so he hid in the bushes outside the White House. For real. Sometimes you’ve got to stop and smell the Rose Garden, you know? – Jimmy Kimmel
So Comey has been fired, or as Fox News put it, “James Comey resigns”. – Stephen Colbert
Can you imagine finding out you lost your job like that? I mean, I get [ticked off] when I find out about “Game of Thrones” spoilers. – James Corden
President Vladimir Putin said today that Russia had “nothing to do with” the firing of FBI Director James Comey. And you can tell, because Comey’s alive. – Seth Meyers
Firing Jim Comey, head of the FBI, really feels like Authoritarianism 101. Which, by the way, a very difficult class. – Stephen Colbert
Analysts are saying that last night’s events could be “the beginning of the end for Donald Trump.” Oh wait, I’m sorry, this joke is from a monologue I did last year. – Conan O’Brien
This morning he attacked his critics on Twitter and in one tweet referred to Sen. Chuck Schumer as Cryin’ Chuck Schumer. Now you remember he does this, there was also Lyin’ Ted Cruz and Crooked Hillary. I’m starting to think the only job Trump is really qualified for is coming up with catchy stage names for professional wrestlers. – James Corden
Melania Trump will join Donald on his first trip overseas as president. Melania said she’s a little nervous for the trip because it’s always hard traveling with a baby. – Jimmy Fallon
I read about a coffee shop in Toronto that doesn’t have any Wi-Fi to encourage customers to talk to each other. Although all the customers talk about now is how they should really get Wi-Fi in this coffee shop. – Jimmy Fallon
A retreat called “Cannabliss” will take place next month in California. It’s a five-day marijuana festival that lasts 10 days. – Seth Meyers
