[Jokes from May 8, 2017]
Some big news from overseas. Yesterday, France elected 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron to be its new president. Trump said he’s worried that, at 39, the president may be a little immature — then went back to tweeting insults at CNN. – Jimmy Fallon
In France this weekend, far-right-wing candidate Marine Le Pen lost the presidential election by millions of votes. And here’s the cool part, in France, if you lose by millions of votes that means you don’t get to be president. – Conan O’Brien
Centrist politician Emmanuel Macron won the French presidential election yesterday over far-right candidate Marine Le Pen — thanks to France’s unusual practice of awarding the presidency to the person with the most votes. – Seth Meyers
France elected a new president. Centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron won the French presidential election, defeating the far-right candidate Marine Le Pen. Macron won by a large margin, easily getting more votes — which, most Americans will be surprised to learn, is how you win most elections in almost all the countries. – James Corden
Macron actually won despite having his campaign hacked. Or as one guy put it (Russian accent), “Eh — you help win some, you help lose some.” – Jimmy Fallon
In Colorado, a high school teacher has been put on leave after her class smashed a President Trump piñata. When he heard this, Trump was especially furious that he had been made into something that brings joy to Mexicans. – Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump continues to follow through on his promise to drain the swamp because it was announced on Friday the White House has fired its chief usher. It took a while for her to leave the building because there was no one available to show her the door. Poor planning. – Stephen Colbert
House Republicans spent the weekend defending the bill they just passed to replace Obamacare. Now healthcare is incredibly important. So I’m sure these Republican congressmen read the new bill very closely, right? One of those guys said, “I turned through every page.” That’s not reading. By his definition, I’ve read the entire English Oxford Dictionary, the Bible, and my CBS contracts. – James Corden
White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus responded to critics of the bill saying if you have a pre-existing condition this president is not going to let you down. And, he better hope so because the name Reince Priebus sounds like a pre-existing condition. Doesn’t it? “I’m afraid we have bad news. We found traces of your Reince in your Priebus.” – James Corden
Republican Congressman Raul Labrador is under fire for saying that “nobody dies because they don’t have access to healthcare.” Then Trump was like, “No way — a talking Labrador? I gotta meet this dog! This is unbelievable!” – Jimmy Fallon
I don’t know about you, but ever since the House passed the new healthcare bill last week, I’ve been trying to decide: Should I move to Canada, or just stay drunk? – Stephen Colbert
Well, now it turns out that the best answer might be both. Because the Canadian food inspection agency recently announced that gin is being recalled for having too much alcohol. – Stephen Colbert
The recall was announced because bottles of Bombay Sapphire gin were found to contain 77 percent alcohol by volume rather than the typical 40 percent. Here’s how you can tell — normally, gin tastes like juniper with hints of lemon and coriander. Seventy-seven percent alcohol gin tastes like regret, with hints of fighting a parking meter. – Stephen Colbert
Former President Bill Clinton is collaborating on a novel about a U.S. president who goes missing. Clinton is describing the novel as “part fiction, part alibi.” – Conan O’Brien
Former President Bill Clinton is teaming up with author James Patterson to write a new book called “The President Is Missing.” It’ll be followed by the sequel, “Never Mind, He’s at the Golf Course.” – Seth Meyers
A new biography of President Obama is coming out and it claims that before Michelle, he had a fiancée whose parents didn’t think much of Obama’s job prospects. Actually, I think they had a point, because now Obama’s a 55-year-old unemployed man. – Conan O’Brien
According to a new report, Senator Bernie Sanders’s wife Jane Sanders is being investigated by the FBI for alleged bank fraud. Even worse, her husband is being investigated by his local deli for alleged Splenda theft. “These should be free!” – Seth Meyers
North Korea reported that there was a U.S.-sponsored plot launched against Kim Jong Un. Apparently two CIA agents tried to sneak up on Kim and give him a man’s haircut. – Conan O’Brien
A man who runs a pizzeria in California made a gluten-free pizza entirely out of cheese. Or, and hear me out, he just made cheese. – Jimmy Fallon
In Mexico, the world’s heaviest man, who weighs almost 1,000 pounds, is preparing for surgery. The man said, “After years of being unhappy with my appearance, I’m finally getting that nose job.” – Conan O’Brien
I read that Facebook is shutting down its virtual reality film studio. People were like, “If I wanted to see my Facebook friends in 3D, I’d actually hang out with them.” – Jimmy Fallon
In Florida, a 10-year-old girl pried herself from the jaws of an 8-foot alligator. Then the little girl remembered she lives in Florida, and climbed back in. – Conan O’Brien
