[Jokes from Apr. 12, 2017]
Because of the sexual allegations against him, it’s rumored that Bill O’Reilly’s show may be going off the air. For continuity’s sake, Fox will replace it with reruns of “The Cosby Show”. – Conan O’Brien
After being accused of sexual harassment by five women, Bill O’Reilly announced he is taking a vacation. And if there’s any justice in the world he’ll be flying United. – Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump will be running the White House Easter egg roll this year. Every year at the White House they have an egg roll. Which I think President Trump assumed was a menu item at P.F. Chang’s. – Jimmy Kimmel
They’re having trouble organizing Easter at the White House this year. Instead of an A-list musician, there will be a military band. And instead of eggs, there’s going to be golf balls and instead of children there will be old white guys. – Conan O’Brien
Even though this is an annual tradition, it’s been going on for 138 years, they’re having trouble getting it together this year. The White House apparently hasn’t sent out invitations yet. And they neglected to order the eggs. Every year they give kids wooden eggs as souvenirs of the Easter egg roll. This year the company that mills the eggs had to tweet a reminder to the president and first lady, “fiy, manufacturing deadlines for the Easter eggs are near, please reach out.” – Jimmy Kimmel
This may seem a little desperate but this is a company whose business is making wooden eggs. They miss Easter, they’re screwed, that’s it, nobody wants an egg on Flag Day. – Jimmy Kimmel
This weekend is Easter, where Christians celebrate the return of Jesus. Unfortunately, this year Jesus can’t return because he’s Middle Eastern and been detained at the airport. – Conan O’Brien
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer tried to down play the issues at his press briefing this afternoon. He did it an interesting way. He invited a group of children into the room and told them the egg roll doesn’t matter because there’s no such thing as the Easter bunny anyway. – Jimmy Kimmel
Before he was press secretary, Sean Spicer actually played the Easter bunny at the egg roll during the Bush administration. Which means this week, for the first time maybe in history, we got to see the Easter bunny apologize for comments about the Holocaust. – Jimmy Kimmel
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has apologized for his Hitler comments and admitted he “screwed up”. I don’t think Spicer learned his lesson though, because he then said, “Even Hitler didn’t screw up as badly as I did.” – Conan O’Brien
A new article says that Donald Trump has changed the definition of the word “conservative.” It used to mean “traditional” and “right leaning” – now it means “batshit crazy.” – Conan O’Brien
Congratulations to the first lady, Melania Trump, who just got a nice payout from a British tabloid newspaper, The Daily Mail. According to CNN, Melania received $2.9 million in damages, which she’s using to build an escape tunnel back to Slovenia. – Jimmy Kimmel
