[Jokes from Apr. 5, 2017]
Donald Trump’s positive performance mark is now down to 35 percent. Only about a third of Americans polled say they’re happy with his job performance. Sixty-six percent say they don’t think he’s level-headed. In his defense, how is his head supposed to stay level when his hair keeps trying to chase every squirrel? – Jimmy Kimmel
President Trump’s approval rating dropped and is now at just 35 percent. Or as Trump calls it, “20 under par. I’m doing FANTASTIC!” – Jimmy Fallon
It’s not just the poll, even ISIS is piling on. A spokesman for ISIS released a statement yesterday saying America is drowning, we’re bankrupt, and we’re being run by an idiot. You hate to agree with anything ISIS says. But I don’t know, maybe we are being run by an idiot, maybe we are drowning and bankrupt. But I want to be very clear: If we are those things, you guys in ISIS had nothing to do with that. We chose this bankrupt idiot to drown us ourselves. – Jimmy Kimmel
I read that Trump’s photographer always brings a stool to events, and photographs Trump from above so he looks taller. While Trump has him shoot his approval ratings from BELOW, so they look HIGHER. – Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump has removed his good buddy and chief strategist Steve Bannon from the National Security Council. This is quite a humiliating move that has very much left Steve Bannon red-faced, although that is his complexion anyway. – James Corden
In a statement to The Wall Street Journal, Bannon said leaving the Security Council was always his plan. Really? It sounds like this administration’s entire strategy has been failing and then acting like they meant to do that. They’re like, “Yeah, our healthcare bill failed. It’s exactly what we planned.” – James Corden
You might not have been aware but Monday was Send Your Son-in-Law to Iraq Day. President Trump sent his daughter’s husband, Jared Kushner, to Baghdad to meet with the Iraqi prime minister and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The military posted a bunch of photographs of Jared’s spring break. I found them on Flickr last night. – Jimmy Kimmel
President Trump said today that he is “working very, very hard” to create peace between Israel and Palestine. Said Trump, “They are absolutely my two favorite Real Housewives.” – Seth Meyers
During an interview with Forbes published yesterday, Trump’s son, Eric Trump, said he might be where he is because of nepotism but that is just a “factor of life”. Wow, Eric sounds pretty smug. But then again he inherited that from his father too. – James Corden
Also, “factor of life” is not a thing people say, is it? I think what he meant to say is it’s a FACT of life — or he meant to say “I’m not the smart son, please stop asking me questions.” – James Corden
Pepsi is facing criticism for a controversial new ad that shows a bunch of people protesting, and then Kendall Jenner steps in and solves everyone’s problems by handing the police officer a Pepsi. And even in the commercial, the cop’s like, “Are you all out of Coke?” – Jimmy Fallon
We have a deeply divided nation. But today it seems like everyone has come together to join the protest against the new protest ad from Pepsi. – Stephen Colbert
Today, North Korea conducted a missile test, which escalated tensions in the region. But don’t worry — things settled down when Kendall Jenner stepped in and handed them a Pepsi. – Jimmy Fallon
This commercial, it’s quite a concept. Basically Kendall Jenner is posing for a photo shoot, then a protest march happens by — a hip-looking protest march — and ultimately she joins in and brings everyone together. She ends racism by handing a Pepsi to a police officer. And then everyone dances away. It is so ill-advised. I’ve watched it 27 times now. I still can’t figure out what the protesters are supposed to be protesting. – Jimmy Kimmel
It starts with a throng of beautiful, multiethnic people protesting in the streets of, I’m going to guess Newport, Rhode Island. So far, we don’t know what has caused all of America’s hot extras to take to the streets, but I’m guessing it’s a protest for Attractive Lives Matter. – Stephen Colbert
The signs they’re holding aren’t much help figuring things out. They say things like “peace” and the peace symbol, and “Join the conversation”. That’s the most corporate message of all time. They might as well be holding signs that say, “We are all the core demographic.” – Stephen Colbert
At first, this was a movement without a leader until the protest route just happened to pass by Kendall Jenner doing a fashion shoot for aluminum siding. This commercial ends with a message even more profound than “Join the conversation”: “Live for now”. – Stephen Colbert
Yes, “live … for now,” especially if you’re Pepsi’s marketing department, because I don’t think you guys are going to be there for long. – Stephen Colbert
I will assume that by now you’ve seen or at least heard about that Pepsi commercial with Kendall Jenner. It’s absolutely nuts. Pepsi was trending on Twitter last night. I was like, oh my God, Pepsi died. Turned out I was right, it did. – Jimmy Kimmel
Today Pepsi pulled the ad and apologized. They apologized to Kendall Jenner. “Sorry we paid you $3 million to be in the worst commercial ever, Kendall Jenner.” Everyone was so mad. The only people who weren’t mad? The people at Coke weren’t mad, they loved it. – Jimmy Kimmel
Apparently Barry Manilow announced today that he is gay. Also scientific research found that the sky is blue. And sugar is sweet. Lots of interesting stuff happening today in the news. – Jimmy Fallon
According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane. – Seth Meyers
The shoe store Payless is filing for bankruptcy and closing nearly 400 stores in the United States. Yes, 400 shoe stores closed, but thousands of soles lost. The problem was their work ethic. Most of Payless was just a bunch of loafers. – James Corden
The Cleveland Zoo announced today that its rare black rhinoceros is pregnant. They made the announcement right after she confirmed it with her rhino-cologist. – Seth Meyers
