[Jokes from Apr. 4, 2017]
This week, the National Archives reached out to the White House and requested that all of the president’s tweets be saved and preserved for history. Future generations: I’m so, so sorry. – James Corden
The National Archives and Records Administration in Washington, D.C. — this is where they store the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address — they have asked the White House to save all of President Trump’s tweets. It’s important to have all the president’s tweets so that future historians will be able to go back and see what was on Fox News that day. – Jimmy Kimmel
I heard that the White House is saving all of President Trump’s tweets, so they can be stored in the National Archives. That way future generations can read Kennedy’s journals, Lincoln’s diaries, and Trump’s insults about Arnold Schwarzenegger. – Jimmy Fallon
The National Archives will showcase all the great pillars of American democracy — the Declaration of Independence, the U.S. Constitution, and the “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke” tweet. – James Corden
On the bright side, one day we will have a movie where Nicolas Cage tries to steal that tweet. – James Corden
I think there’s already a service that archives all the tweets from Donald Trump’s Twitter account; it’s called Donald Trump’s Twitter account. – Jimmy Kimmel
These tweets will be saved for “historical value.” And they’ll be filed under “impeachment evidence.” – James Corden
Yesterday the president signed a bill that will allow internet service providers to collect and share your personal information and search histories without asking your permission to do it. Now these big companies can see every detail of our lives online. We still can’t see his tax returns, but they can see everything we look at. – Jimmy Kimmel
There are still a lot of people unhappy with our new president. At the opening-day game for the Washington Nationals, fans unfurled a giant “Impeach Trump” banner in the stadium. Here’s a question: If I can’t get a bottle of water into a game, how did these guys get a 40-foot banner in? – James Corden
Donald Trump donated the first three months of his presidential salary to the National Park Service. That tremor you just felt was all four presidents on Mount Rushmore rolling their eyes. – James Corden
Trump is also the one who wants to cut funding to the national parks. So this is like sending flowers to the funeral of somebody you just murdered. – James Corden
President Trump said today that his infrastructure plan could cost more than the projected $1 trillion. Said Trump, “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but it could go as high as a bajillion.” – Seth Meyers
The Trump administration recently hired a man whose name turned up on a list of accounts released in the 2015 hack of the cheating website Ashley Madison. Even crazier, that’s all it said on his resume. – Seth Meyers
Virginia police are investigating vandalism at Trump National Golf Club over the weekend. They found graffiti that said, “Help, I don’t want to be president anymore.” – Seth Meyers
The White House has just released the official portrait of first lady Melania Trump. Here it is. It doesn’t look like a first lady portrait, does it? It looks like a brochure for a two-day real estate seminar. “Grow rich with no money down!” – James Corden
Today was National Hug a Newsperson Day. But if you see Bill O’Reilly, maybe just go with a fist bump. – Seth Meyers
The NCAA tournament is over. Now all we have is Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Twitter to distract us from working while we’re at work. – Jimmy Kimmel
Oreos just launched a new limited edition flavor called “Cookies & Creme.” Or as it’s also known – Oreos. That’s all it is! Cookies and creme. What’s wrong with this world!? – Jimmy Fallon
I saw that Dictionary.com just added 300 new words, including “man bun” and “sext.” As in, “If you have a man bun, you will never receive a sext.” – Jimmy Fallon
