[Jokes from Mar. 13, 2017]
The GOP’s healthcare plan came out last week and, so far, it’s popular with everyone . . . except doctors, hospitals, the insurance industry, patients, the elderly, Democrats, Republicans, and — what’s the word? — mortals. Yeah. These mortals, they need so much care. – Stephen Colbert
This afternoon, the Congressional Budget Office released its official analysis of the GOP’s healthcare bill and found 24 million Americans will lose coverage under the plan. But keep in mind, that’s 24 million people by 2026. And without health insurance, a lot of those people won’t live that long anyway. – Stephen Colbert
Yesterday, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan went on “Face the Dickerson” to get ahead of the CBO report: “The one thing I am certain will happen is CBO will say, ‘Well, gosh, not as many people will get coverage.’” Well, gosh, not as many people will get coverage, and gee willikers, I need chemo, and cheese and crackers, I can’t afford to go to the doctor, and holy Toledo, I should’ve identified my next of kin, because fiddlesticks, I’m dead!” Doesn’t sound so bad when it’s folksy. Gosh. Golly! – Stephen Colbert
March Madness is here. It’s the time of year I go right from my “Bachelor” bracket to my NCAA bracket and it’s really fun. – Jimmy Fallon
If you’re not familiar, here’s how the NCAA tournament works. It starts at 68, then 64, then 32, then 16, then 8, then 4, then 1 — I’m sorry, that’s the number of Republicans backing Trump’s healthcare bill. I messed that up, common mistake. – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump says he’s planning to travel less to other countries than previous presidents. The idea was first suggested to him by other countries. – Conan O’Brien
This week, President Trump will meet with a Saudi prince. The man born into immense wealth with multiple wives and an exotic head covering says he can’t wait to meet the Saudi prince. – Conan O’Brien
White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway suggested that President Obama could have spied on Donald Trump through a microwave oven. Which is why today the Trump administration brought in six Hot Pockets for questioning. – Conan O’Brien
Everyone is talking about the big snowstorm expected to hit New York. In fact, some are saying we could experience a whiteout. Things will even out on St. Patrick’s Day when we all experience a blackout. – Jimmy Fallon
The blizzard is also supposed to hit Washington, D.C. You know it’s cold outside when the Washington Monument actually shrinks about 40 feet. – Jimmy Fallon
This weekend, we all moved our clocks ahead by one hour. In other words, that’s our show, goodnight everybody! – Conan O’Brien
