[Jokes from Feb. 16, 2017]
The big news out of Washington right now is the press conference Donald Trump held this morning. Did everyone see it? No? Lucky you, sir. – Conan O’Brien
Earlier today, President Trump held a press conference where he insulted the media, criticized Hillary Clinton, and talked about a hypothetical nuclear holocaust. Even Sean Spicer was like, “You should not be talking to reporters.” – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump today tweeted that the “failing New York Times must apologize” for publishing leaks from his administration, but at this point, if they didn’t publish White House leaks, the whole paper would just be the crossword. – Seth Meyers
The tone of the press conference was like if your dad found a pack of cigarettes under your mattress. He was mad. Talked for an hour and 17 minutes, which is more than he’s spoken to Melania all this year, the whole year. – Jimmy Kimmel
This was in response to his secretary of labor withdrawing his nomination and Trump having to pick a replacement. Trump’s original pick, Andrew Puzder, is the CEO of Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr. But Puzder withdrew his nomination after it became clear he would not get confirmed. When asked what he was going to do next, Puzder said, “Please drive around to the second window and we can talk there.” – Conan O’Brien
That’s how bad things are in the Trump administration right now. Someone asks you if you’d like to work in the White House and you’re like, “No thanks, I’d rather work at Carl’s Jr.” – Conan O’Brien
As his replacement, Trump decided he needed a fast food leader with more political experience. Which is why the new nominee for labor secretary is none other than Mayor McCheese. – Conan O’Brien
Trump also discussed the recent bombshell about his staff communicating with Russia, and he said that he hasn’t made a phone call to Russia in years. You could tell Trump was lying because his tie grew another three inches. – Jimmy Fallon
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson today said that Russia must respect its international commitments toward Ukraine — and then he winked so hard he accidentally swallowed his eyebrow. – Seth Meyers
Famed Watergate reporter Carl Bernstein told CNN yesterday that the Trump administration is trying to cover up its ties to Russia. Bernstein wouldn’t identify his source, but did say [shows photo of Mitch McConnell] he goes by the name Loose Throat. – Seth Meyers
In this press conference, Trump claimed to have had the biggest electoral win since Reagan, and when a reporter pointed out that was false, Trump responded with — and I quote — “I’ve seen that information around.” Around? He saw this information “around?” What, like it was tacked to a bulletin board next to guitar lessons and a picture of a lost cat? – Conan O’Brien
He said Hillary Clinton’s name 11 times during this press conference. Why is he still talking about Hillary Clinton? The election is over! Even lovesick teenage boys are like, “Move on, man. Let her go.” – Conan O’Brien
There were demonstrations across the country today to protest the president’s immigration policy. Immigrants were encouraged to skip work today for what they called “a day without immigrants,” or as Steve Bannon calls it, “a good start”. – Jimmy Kimmel
There were marches in Philadelphia and Austin, Washington. Here in L.A., with no immigrants — we have a lot of immigrants here in L.A. — people were forced to babysit their own children. Arnold Schwarzenegger had to impregnate a meter maid today. It was awful. – Jimmy Kimmel
A lot of coverage of this important protest got lost because the president decided to hold an impromptu press conference, and it was a sight to see. It reminded me of something you’d see before a pay-per-view boxing event. I guess he did it because he’s mad and wanted to blow off some steam. – Jimmy Kimmel
There is so much going on in the world right now. Not just in the world, there’s a lot going on in the universe. For those of you who are looking to get off the planet, astronomers at the Carnegie Institution discovered more than 100 potential planets that may be habitable, which means we’re one step closer to finding a planet with intelligent life. – Jimmy Kimmel
It’s exciting, especially for members of the scientific community — this is on the level of, like, a-woman-brushing-up-against-them-on-the-subway exciting. – Jimmy Kimmel
This might not be the best time to make contact with aliens. They say, “Take us to your leader.” What do we do at that time? “Our leader’s a little busy on Twitter right now. How about we take you to Oprah? She’s nice, you’ll like her.” – Jimmy Kimmel
The makers of the board game Monopoly have announced that they are dropping the thimble token in favor of new pieces in the shape of emojis and hashtags. Although, if you’re trying to modernize Monopoly, maybe start with Oriental Avenue. We call it Asian-American Avenue now. – Seth Meyers
