[Jokes from Feb. 9, 2017]
Today the East Coast was hit with a major snowstorm and it forced New York City public schools to close. When she heard that, new Education Secretary Betsy DeVos was like, “Hey, my plan’s working already.” – Jimmy Fallon
A snowstorm in the Northeast today caused many schools in the area to close. Said Betsy DeVos, “What? The school closures weren’t supposed to start yet.” – Seth Meyers
A federal court has ruled against President Trump’s travel ban, and at 3:35am Trump tweeted in all-caps, “SEE YOU IN COURT.” Then again, Trump tweets “SEE YOU IN COURT” to someone every day at 3:35. – Conan O’Brien
Florida firefighters yesterday rescued a man who was trapped inside a garbage truck. “Thank you!” yelled Steve Bannon. – Seth Meyers
Yesterday, without mentioning Donald Trump, Pope Francis urged everyone to build bridges, not walls. So today, without mentioning the Pope, Donald Trump said, “Francis is a girl’s name.” – Conan O’Brien
President Trump will host Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau at the White House next week. Are you sure that’s a good idea? That’s like your wife bringing Margot Robbie home for dinner. We’re not gonna hear anything you say for a month after that. – Seth Meyers
Nordstrom’s stock went up after President Trump attacked them on Twitter for dropping Ivanka’s clothing line. Then RadioShack said, “Would you mind attacking us?” – Jimmy Fallon
A recent study found that the number of monarch butterflies migrating to Mexico from the U.S. has dropped by 27 percent. Apparently the butterflies are afraid if they go from the U.S. to Mexico, they won’t be allowed back in. – Conan O’Brien
According to a new poll, 72 percent of Americans are either very concerned, or somewhat concerned, about climate change, while others [shows photo of laughing Obama kite-surfing] are just making the best of it. – Seth Meyers
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer’s office recently reported that it gets around 1.5 million calls from constituents per day, but most of them are just people asking him to push up his glasses. – Seth Meyers
Facebook has just added a new tool for finding help during disasters. Unfortunately, then Facebook shows you photos of your friends having a much better time during their disasters. – Conan O’Brien
Shaquille O’Neal says that he’s trying to eat healthier. He’s cut soda, bread, sandwiches, and fast food out of his diet. When asked what he’s eating instead he said, “Mostly trees.” – Jimmy Fallon
For Valentine’s Day, some KFCs are letting you send a loved one a heart-shaped bucket of fried chicken. And even better, if you really hate someone, you can send them two buckets. – Conan O’Brien
The Baltimore airport just got a gym where you can work out while you wait for a flight. Finally combining the two things Americans love most — waiting in airports and exercise. – Jimmy Fallon
There’s a fitness center at the Baltimore airport. So now instead of just sitting around during long layovers you can spend that time feeling guilty about not going to the gym. – Jimmy Fallon
Nintendo is releasing a video game that lets you simulate taking care of a baby. When they heard this, gamers said, “Hey, call me when you have one that simulates MAKING one.” – Conan O’Brien
