[Jokes from Feb 8, 2017]
This morning President Trump actually went on Twitter to criticize Nordstrom for dropping his daughter Ivanka’s line and treating her unfairly. While Trump’s tweeting about a department store, a lot of people are wondering what the return policy is for presidents. – Jimmy Fallon
Sean Spicer said that Nordstrom’s decision to stop carrying Ivanka Trump’s clothing line is an attack on the president, and he’s also mad at Men’s Wearhouse, because he does not like the way he looks. – Seth Meyers
Five other retailers, including Neiman Marcus, also announced that they are dropping Ivanka Trump’s fashion line, while AutoZone announced they’ll no longer carry Eric and Donald Jr.’s hair grease. – Seth Meyers
White House press secretary Sean Spicer said today that Nordstrom’s decision to stop carrying Ivanka Trump’s clothing line is “an attack on the president’s policies and his daughter.” Well, that’s what his mouth said; his eyes said, “Help me, my boss is insane!” – Seth Meyers
It seems like every day Trump’s upset about something else. And I guess now — this is real — he is complaining that the hand towels on Air Force One are not soft enough. Then the flight attendant said, “Sir, that’s my skirt.” – Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday, Donald Trump repeated his false assertion that America’s murder rate is the highest it’s been in 47 years. Then someone pointed out to Trump that he was just binge watching “Game of Thrones”. – Conan O’Brien
Another big story is Trump’s travel ban. Earlier today, he defended the ban by saying, “Even a bad high school student would support it.” And Betsy DeVos said, “And thanks to me, we’ll have plenty of those.” – Jimmy Fallon
Last night, CBS anchor Scott Pelley began the evening news by saying President Trump is “divorced from reality”. After hearing this, Trump said, “Oh, great, now I have to start paying reality?” – Conan O’Brien
A Trump administration official said that whenever the media criticizes the president, they will call it “fake news”. And, whenever the media praises the president, they will call it “Fox News”. – Conan O’Brien
The latest polls show President Trump has an approval rating in the low 40s, which means he’s probably about to dump it for one in the low 20s. – Seth Meyers
Today is National Kite Flying Day. Why we have this in February, I have no idea. Having National Kite Flying Day in February is like having National Snowman Building Day in July. This is where the kite lobby put it. See, this is the sort of thing President Trump needs to look into if he wants to make America great again. – Jimmy Kimmel
In a recent interview, President Trump revealed he has only been sleeping four or five hours a night. While Ben Carson is still getting a solid 24. – Seth Meyers
Last night, Sen. Mitch McConnell silenced Sen. Elizabeth Warren using an old Senate rule. It’s the 1930s statute known as “No Mouthy Broads”. – Conan O’Brien
We’re now less than a week away from V-Day. Valentine’s Day is a test. It’s a test of your commitment, your preparedness, a test of whether you love someone enough to waste $100 on flowers that on any other day of the year would cost you $30. – Jimmy Kimmel
Even if you don’t spend a dollar for Valentine’s Day, you have to do something. Here’s a tip: If you don’t have money this year, you don’t need money. Go to the store and steal something. Show her that you’re willing to go to prison just to win her love or his love. Either way you’re going to prison. – Jimmy Kimmel
Speaking of prisoners, this should be an interesting Valentine’s Day at the White House. For instance, will Donald Trump get flowers from Vladimir Putin? We don’t know. – Jimmy Kimmel
And what about his wife Melania? Will they spend the night together or will she remain trapped like Rapunzel at their apartment in New York? Melania has a new line of greeting cards. They carry them at CVS: “Happy Valentine’s Day” (open it) “Save Me”. – Jimmy Kimmel
On Monday in Vermont, a barrel of maple syrup fell off a truck and spilled all over the highway. Luckily, it broad-sided a French toast truck. – Conan O’Brien
In North Carolina, a mother is suing a daycare center because one of the workers there breastfed her son without permission. Authorities say she doesn’t really have a case because her son is 32. – Conan O’Brien
