[Jokes from Feb. 7, 2017]
Today, the Senate officially confirmed Betsy DeVos as education secretary, with a vote of 51 to 50. Or as Trump calls that, “a landslide.” – Jimmy Fallon
Vice President Mike Pence today cast the tie-breaking vote to confirm controversial education secretary nominee Betsy DeVos. And if you don’t know what that means, you’re probably Betsy DeVos. – Seth Meyers
It was actually a 50-50 tie vote that was broken by the vice president. Which makes the vote for education secretary the only place where a 51 is a passing grade. – Jimmy Fallon
The Senate confirmed Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. Now, there are 100 senators. She got the votes of only half of them. So her first act is to make 50 count as a passing grade. – Stephen Colbert
It’s come out that Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, who many think is unqualified, gave big contributions to half the Republican Senators who voted for her. Or as Betsy DeVos calls it, “75 percent of them”. – Conan O’Brien
DeVos, our secretary of education, has never attended, worked in, or sent her kids to public school. So how did she get the nomination? Well, there’s a tiny chance that money played a role, since DeVos’ family gave around $200 million to Republican causes, including donations to four senators on the committee overseeing her confirmation. Oooh, that reminds me of a math problem! “Betsy has $200 million. She needs 50 votes. How much money can she give to each senator to make sure public schools get less?” – Stephen Colbert
In Washington today, there was no victory parade for President Trump’s pick to run the Department of Education. The Democrats pulled an all-nighter in the Senate to try to get one more Republican to vote against her. They could not do that and Betsy DeVos squeaked in 51-50, which is terrible news for Democrats and even worse news for grizzly bears. – Jimmy Kimmel
President Trump claimed that the media is not reporting on acts of terrorism on American soil. In response, the media said, “Actually, we think we’re covering your presidency quite well.” – Conan O’Brien
President Trump is mad as a hornet. He tweeted this morning, “I don’t know Putin, have no deals in Russia, and the haters are going crazy. Yet Obama can make a deal with Iran, #1 in terror, no problem.” You know, there actually was a time in our history when if a president used the phrase “haters are going crazy,” we might be alarmed. We might even be told to remain in our homes if the haters were going crazy. – Jimmy Kimmel
Vladimir Putin is scheduled to play an exhibition hockey game against former professional hockey players. Putin is scheduled to win by 12 goals. – Conan O’Brien
Steve Bannon is Donald Trump’s senior strategist. A lot of people are saying that he’s the guy really running the White House, but I’m not sure I believe that, because there’s no proof that anyone’s running the White House right now. – Stephen Colbert
The list is loaded with typos, like “attaker” instead of “attacker” and “Denmakr” instead of “Denmark.” So at least we know Steve Bannon isn’t a grammar Nazi. – Stephen Colbert
According to a new survey, almost a third of people say their co-workers spend more time talking about politics than business. “Thank God that’s not the case where I work,” said Mike Pence. – Seth Meyers
At a closed-door meeting, some Republicans said they fear for their physical safety if they repeal Obamacare. In other words, Republicans are now in the awkward position of needing Obamacare if they get rid of Obamacare. – Conan O’Brien
New research predicts that in 65 billion years, the moon will crash into the Earth. After hearing this, half of America said, “Hey, can we move that up a bit? How about Wednesday?” – Conan O’Brien
The news is currently that spinning image of a newspaper, but it never stops spinning. – Conan O’Brien
Billionaire Richard Branson recently released a video of former President Obama kite-surfing with him in the Virgin Islands. Hey, man, I get that you don’t have to deal with all this anymore, but could you not rub it in? This is why people un-friend their exes on Facebook. – Seth Meyers
This is what President Obama has been up to: kite surfing in the Virgin Islands with Richard Branson. [shows photos of kite-surfing, laughing Obama] Look at him, not an Obama care in the world. – Jimmy Kimmel
That is the smile of a man who had no idea he might not be allowed back in the country. – Jimmy Kimmel
Kylie Minogue won a legal battle against Kylie Jenner over the trademark of the name “Kylie”. Yeah, the judge called the case “not why I went to law school.” – Jimmy Fallon
Merriam-Webster dictionary added over 1,000 new words today, including the word “photobomb”. They didn’t WANT to add “photobomb”, but it jumped in at the last second and kinda ruined the dictionary. – Jimmy Fallon
It is a holiday in Boston because the quarterback for the New England Patriots, Tom Brady, declared it a holiday. I did not know he had the power to do that. He gave everyone the day off today. I don’t think the mayor’s even allowed to give people — has an athlete ever overthrown a city government before? – Jimmy Kimmel
What if he decides to use his powers for evil? You know, Tom Brady is gluten free, what if he makes everyone go gluten free? You order a lobster roll, you get a handful of seafood. – Jimmy Kimmel
