[Jokes from Jan. 23, 2017]
“The Women’s March in Washington was on Saturday, and it had three times as many people as Trump’s inauguration. When he was told there were hundreds of thousands of women outside the White House, Trump said, ‘Wow, this Trump cologne REALLY WORKS.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Over the weekend, 750,000 protesters attended the Women’s March in downtown Los Angeles. The last time this many women gathered in downtown L.A., it was to testify against Bill Cosby.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Trump did draw a huge crowd over the weekend. On Saturday between 3 million and 5 million people, mostly women, gathered to support him — was that what they were doing? — in New York, L.A., Chicago, and Washington, D.C.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Even though our studio can only hold 200 people, Donald Trump’s press secretary says we’ve got 2 MILLION people here tonight! We’re just a few days into Donald Trump’s presidency. And I don’t know what Trump’s fitness initiative is, but because of him, millions of women got their steps in this weekend.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There were marches across all seven continents, including Antarctica. To be fair to Trump, the protest in Antarctica was just the March of the Penguins.” – Conan O’Brien
“There were protests in all 50 states. In 32 countries. They say it was the biggest protest in American history. Can you imagine having that many women get mad at you?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Hillary Clinton said yesterday that the images of the Women’s March were ‘awe-inspiring’. Adding, ‘Nice to see you all come out in full force, finally.'” – Seth Meyers
“Friends say Hillary Clinton is thinking of writing another book. This book’s tentative title is ‘Happy Now, [Jerks]?'” – Conan O’Brien
“On the opposite end of the female empowerment spectrum, tonight on ABC we had a new episode of ‘The Bachelor.’ The women packed up their emotional baggage for a visit to Nick’s hometown in Wisconsin. Never has a group of women pretended to be more excited about going to Wachesaw, Wisconsin, than tonight.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Yesterday was Donald and Melania Trump’s 12th wedding anniversary. When asked what the traditional 12th anniversary gift is, Trump said, ‘I don’t know, I’ve never made it this far.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The White House has admitted that Donald Trump did not write his inauguration speech. The speech was written late last Thursday by a disgruntled postal worker.” – Conan O’Brien
“During his inaugural address on Friday, President Trump said, quote, ‘The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer.’ Wow, the good news just keeps coming for 3 Doors Down.” – Seth Meyers
“During his inaugural address President Trump said that the ideology for his administration will be ‘America First’. Which also happens to be Putin’s ideology. ‘America first, then we go into Ukraine, then Eastern Europe…'” – Seth Meyers
