Political Irony

Joe the Plumber

“Some new developments today regarding Joe the Plumber. That’s the guy from Ohio who asked Barack Obama why he wanted to raise taxes on the plumbing business he wants to buy. But now it turns out that Joe is not a licensed plumber, he had to admit that he’s ‘not even close’ to buying the plumbing business, the business does not bring in $250,000 to $280,000 like he said, and his name isn’t even Joe — it’s Sam. Turns out the only true thing about ‘Joe the Plumber’ is ‘the.'” He’s the Sarah Palin of plumbing, is what he is.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, actually, Joe the plumber, not his real name. Actually, his full name, Joe Hussein the plumber.” -Jay Leno

“The only thing we actually do really know about this Joe the plumber is that he’s opinionated, he’s extremely conservative, and we’re not so sure about the plumbing. Oh my God, he’s Ann Coulter!” -Bill Maher

“You know why I think Republicans are so obsessed with this Joe the plumber? I think they’re relieved to be able to talk about a guy who gets down on his knees in front of a toilet and it’s not Senator Larry Craig.” -Jay Leno

“Are you buying this whole Joe the plumber thing? McCain said he’s worried about Joe the plumber’s income. His income? Anybody here ever gotten a bill from a plumber and go, ‘Well, this is way too low. Put a few more zeros. Put something down there for yourself.'” -Jay Leno

“And, of course, all this media attention is going to his head. In fact, today, he now wants to be known as ‘the plumber formerly known as Joe.'” -Jay Leno

The Debate

“Maybe you saw the debate on Wednesday night, and McCain unveiled his new personality. He’s got a new personality. The new personality is fighting underdog. And if that doesn’t work, the next one is going to be tyrannical sea captain. … And if that doesn’t work, fun-loving gaucho. And if that doesn’t work, expatriate saloon owner.” -David Letterman

“But he did have one big moment when he said, ‘Senator Obama, I am not President Bush.’ My running mate is.” -Bill Maher

“No, I’m not saying that McCain looks like he’s finished, but today they introduced him as the next Viagra spokesman.” -Bill Maher

“Senator John McCain was on the program last night. And I don’t know about this. He kept referring to me as ‘That One.'” –David Letterman

“John McCain got some good news today. The Charleston Daily Mail endorsed McCain, saying since he’ll only be a one-term president, he can do the right things to make tough decisions. When they told McCain they were only giving him four years, he said, ‘That’s great. My doctor only gave me two!'” -Jay Leno

The Economy

“And this week, President Bush announced a $250 billion — everything’s billions now, millions don’t even count, have you noticed that? Millions is like chump change — plan for the government, to directly buy shares of the nation’s leading banks, to make sure they’re run properly. They’re going to make sure they’re run properly, yeah. Because one thing we know is the people who gave us a a $9 trillion debt, they know how to handle money” -Jay Leno

“Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week, billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced Friday that he will continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial crisis. So remember, everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as you’re the richest man on earth.” -Amy Poehler

Sarah Palin

“Sarah Palin is going on ‘Saturday Night Live’ tomorrow. She said she’s a little nervous, she’s never acted before. And they told her, please, you’ll be fine. It’s a lot like lying.” -Bill Maher

“Former Vice President Dan Quayle has advised vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin to ‘just be yourself.’ Unfortunately, he spelled ‘yourself’ with three ‘l’s’ and a ‘6.’” -Amy Poehler

“Oh, I kid Sarah Palin. I have a special affection for the insufferable. Today, she was campaigning in North Carolina, and she said she only really wanted to campaign in the ‘pro-America’ parts of the country. And so does her husband, who unfortunately couldn’t be there because he’s a secessionist.” -Bill Maher

“Let me quote you what she said today, and I hope you’re insulted. She said, ‘We believe that the best of America is in the small towns. The little pockets of what I call the real America. This is where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans.’ … Well, you know what, in a couple of weeks, she’s going to find out that the big cities have one thing that the small towns don’t: a lot of voters.” -Bill Maher

“Sarah Palin remains very popular. … Many people in the country are very excited about her. In fact, this week in Tennessee, a man named his newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Can you believe that? … Yeah, the man named his baby Sarah Palin after he asked it to name three countries, and it just stared blankly into space” -Conan O’Brien

“They say Sarah Palin’s going to appear on ‘Saturday Night Live’ tomorrow night, which will be interesting. She’s been the butt of a lot of jokes and, of course, the subject of a lot of criticism. In fact, she said at a rally in North Carolina yesterday that to avoid getting depressed, her staff now limits her access exclusively to the mainstream media. That’s a good idea. Just what she needs — to read less.” -Jimmy Kimmel