[Jokes from Dec. 12, 2016]
“According to The Washington Post, the CIA found that Russia interfered in the election to help Donald Trump win the presidency. Experts say this is the biggest scandal America’s faced for decades, and the biggest scandal Trump’s faced since Friday.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The CIA says they believe that Russian hackers interfered with our elections, specifically to help Donald Trump win. But Trump says that’s ridiculous — there’s no way to know if the hackers were from Russia or China or some guy sitting on a bed someplace.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Of course, Russia faced several obstacles in helping Trump win — namely Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Nonetheless, a bipartisan group, including Republican Sens. John McCain and Mitch McConnell, are calling for an investigation, and Trump does not like that at all. He refuses to point a finger at Russia. Why would he? He’ll be up for re-election in four years, he might need them again.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Some people are saying we should vote all over again. Which, this election, is like the killer in a horror movie — just when you think it’s over, he pops up in the back seat, it’s going to get you again.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Organizers have announced that Donald Trump will attend two inaugural balls during his first week in office. One in Washington, D.C., and then, of course, the real one in Moscow.” – Seth Meyers
“There are reports that Donald Trump has been meeting with Mark Burnett, the creator of ‘The Apprentice,’ to plan next month’s inauguration ceremony. If Omarosa swears this guy in, I’m moving back to England.” – James Corden
“Is the whole thing going to be reality show-themed? Instead of Trump putting his hand on the Bible, the chief justice of the Supreme Court is just going to hand him a rose.” – James Corden
“I understand to get to the White House he won an ‘Amazing Race’. Out of the dozens of candidates, Trump was the ‘Survivor’. Even though, according to the popular vote, he was ‘The Biggest Loser’. But this is ‘The Real World’.” –James Corden
“Trump may be a populist, but we don’t need this type of ‘American Idol’ worship. America is facing real problems, and we need to give all the people of this nation a voice — no, ‘THE Voice’. Not just to your daughter Ivanka, or Donald Jr., her ‘Big Brother’. That’s why, Donald Trump, I have three words for you: ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’.” – James Corden
“Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid recently said in an interview that Donald Trump is ‘not as bad as I thought he would be.’ Geez buddy, how low were your expectations?” – Seth Meyers
“Harry Reid is the guy that gets a rat in his bucket at KFC and says, ‘Well, they’re trying their best.'” – Seth Meyers
“In other news, a restaurant just opened in the Kurdistan region of Iraq. It’s called Trump Fish, and it’s a fish restaurant with an unauthorized Donald Trump logo. They stole Trump’s face and name. Should be fine, Donald Trump never sues anyone.” – James Corden
“Hillary Clinton gave a speech last week criticizing the epidemic of fake news being spread … or maybe she didn’t.” – Seth Meyers
