[Jokes from Nov. 14, 2016]
“Last night, on ’60 Minutes’, Donald Trump gave his first TV interview since being elected — and get this, he said that he will only take $1 a year as president. All part of Trump’s unending commitment to never pay taxes.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Trump said that he would not accept the standard $400,000 salary that presidents get. That story again: Trump made his first deal as president-elect and lost almost $400,000.” – Jimmy Fallon
“During an interview yesterday, Donald Trump told his supporters not to harass Latinos and Muslims. ‘Uh-oh’ said black people.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump told supporters last night not to harass Latinos and Muslims, saying, ‘I will say right to the cameras, ‘Stop it” — and then he winked so hard his wig unsnapped.” – Seth Meyers
“On ’60 Minutes’ last night, Donald Trump said he wishes his campaign’s tone had been ‘nicer’ and more ‘on policy.’ Trump said, ‘But then, I would have lost.'” – Conan O’Brien
“During a ’60 Minutes’ interview, Trump said going forward, he will be ‘very restrained’ on Twitter and Facebook. So, the interview was taped Friday, and then on Sunday — two days later — he went on a tirade against The New York Times on Twitter. But he didn’t use all caps! Baby steps. It’s something, right? Lowercase.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“During the interview last night on ’60 Minutes’, Donald Trump said, ‘I’m a very sober person.’ After hearing this, half of America said, ‘So were we, until last Tuesday.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump’s children are helping him transition to the White House. Right now 10-year-old Barron Trump is interviewing the next head of the NSA.” – Conan O’Brien
“According to The New York Times, Donald Trump wants to continue holding large rallies after he takes office — and Hillary Clinton wants to continue hiking deeper and deeper into the woods.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump has stated he wants to make it easier to sue journalists. He also wants to use the Second Amendment to shoot the First Amendment.” – Conan O’Brien
“Rumors are circulating that Donald Trump has been telling his advisers that he plans to spend his weekends in his Trump Tower penthouse in New York City instead of the White House. I don’t think that’s what voters meant when they said they wanted a Washington outsider.” – James Corden
“If he does decide to live in Trump Tower, presidential historians tell us this is the first time a sitting president will be living above a Niketown.” – James Corden
“I love that Trump thinks he can just take off back to New York. Just imagine Trump on a Friday afternoon at the White House asking his national security adviser, ‘Hey, you think this ISIS briefing will be over by 6:00? It’s just I’ve got a thing.'” – James Corden
“After Donald Trump met with President Obama, Trump seemed surprised by the scope of the president’s duties. Trump said, ‘Who knew?’ And Hillary was like, ‘I did.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“When Hillary Clinton found out Trump wasn’t planning on staying in the White House on weekends, she was like, ‘Since you’re not going to be there… ‘” – James Corden
“President Obama held a press conference today, his first since the election. At which every one of the reporters asked him about Donald Trump. A few of them tried to get Obama to say something insulting about Trump but he didn’t bite, he was very diplomatic. He says he hopes Donald Trump makes things better, plans to do everything he can to help them. In other words, ‘Good luck, dummies, I’m out of here!'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Meanwhile, protests continue across the United States. This afternoon a group of student protesters for some reason decided to storm a local mall. It got a little bit crazy. The good news is this is the first time in almost five years that anyone under the age 21 has been to a mall. Good for Orange Julius, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A new study revealed that having a pint of beer every day can help prevent strokes and heart disease — so this one is on me, Justice Ginsburg. Keep going.” – Seth Meyers
