[Jokes from Nov. 10, 2016]
“Donald Trump will be the first U.S. president ever to have appeared in an ad for Pizza Hut. In fact, some pundits are predicting Trump will run in 2020 against Flo from Progressive.” – Conan O’Brien
“There’s talk that Donald Trump may appoint Sarah Palin as secretary of the interior, which means she would oversee the National Park Service. When they heard that, bears were like, ‘Well, we had a good run.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Newt Gingrich said in an interview yesterday that would he like to serve as chief planner for Donald Trump’s administration. But first, before starting his new job, though, he must finish up his contract at the Keebler tree.” – Seth Meyers
“Some people are admitting that it’s weird to say ‘President-elect Trump.’ It’s especially weird for me because ‘President-elect Trump’ happens to be my safe word.” – Conan O’Brien
“Later, the market went down when Trump announced he’s getting rid of Obamacare. The market went up when Trump simply assured everyone that he replaced it with ‘something terrific.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Some analysts say a Donald Trump presidency could cripple the future of legalized marijuana. And to make matters worse, once it’s crippled, Trump will make fun of it.” – Conan O’Brien
“It was a busy day today at the White House with President Obama hosting NBA champions the Cleveland Cavaliers, as well as President-elect Donald Trump. It actually got a little awkward when Trump walked up to LeBron James and said, ‘Nice to meet you, Mr. President.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It was a busy bay at the White House. In addition to the Trumps, they welcomed the Cleveland Cavaliers to be honored for winning the NBA title this year. It happened to be on the same day. There was one awkward moment when LeBron James grabbed the basketball to sign it — turned out top Donald Trump’s head.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It was another interesting day in America today. The transfer of power has already begun at the White House this morning. President Obama sat down with President-elect Trump, but Trump did a funny thing. He came in and said, ‘You’re fired.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today, the transfer of power began when President Obama hosted Trump at the White House for the most surprising remake of ‘Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.'” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump visited President Obama in the White House today, which got Trump really excited to do his favorite thing: evict a black family from their home.” – Seth Meyers
“What did they talk about? What was the tour like? ‘All right, Donald, this is the Blue Room, this is the Red Room, and down the hall is the office I said you were fundamentally unfit for. Library’s downstairs.'” – Stephen Colbert
“This is the first time they met. They never met before. That must have been so strange. ‘Sasha, Malia, come down, meet the man who questioned Daddy’s citizenship for the last eight years.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Can you imagine how awkward that meeting was? The first African-American president sitting down with a president-elect who was endorsed by the Klan? A guy who spent five years, created his political career, demanding Obama prove where he was born, then denying he did it.” – Stephen Colbert
“They were to meet for 15 minutes, but it was 90 minutes. Trump had questions for Obama, like ‘How the hell do I get out of this?'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama and Donald Trump met at the White House today, where they discussed foreign and domestic policy. You know, things like which one is which.” – Seth Meyers
“Trump is now receiving the classified daily intelligence briefing known as ‘the book’, making it the only book he owns that doesn’t have his picture on it.” – Stephen Colbert
“They were besieged by reporters in the Oval Office at which point the president offered Mr. Trump unsolicited advice for dealing with the press. [plays clip of Obama] ‘Thank you, everybody. We’re not — we are not going to be taking any questions. [To Trump] This is a good rule — don’t answer any questions when they’re yelling at you.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Of course, Trump wasn’t alone. Melania was there for a private meeting with Michelle Obama, to ensure the peaceful transition of speeches.” – Stephen Colbert
“While President Obama met with Donald Trump, Michelle Obama met privately with Melania Trump. Michelle said, ‘It’s a pleasure to welcome you and Donald to the White House.’ Melania said, ‘It is a pleasure to welcome you and Donald to the White House.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“While their husbands were talking, the first lady met with soon-to-be first lady Melania Trump. Michelle said, ‘Welcome to the White House, Mrs. Trump.’ And Melania said, ‘Welcome to the White House, Mrs. Trump.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Melania Trump’s home country, Slovenia, is said to be ‘very proud’ of her. Then Slovenia admitted, ‘We really don’t have a lot going on.'” – Conan O’Brien
“So, Michelle actually had a nice time showing Melania around, although it got weird when they walked into the Lincoln Bedroom and Melania said, ‘Wow, what a lovely closet.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vice President Joe Biden got together with incoming Vice President Mike Pence. Biden went over the primary responsibilities of being vice president, which are: not falling asleep at the State of the Union address … and that’s about it. So they covered that.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“While our leaders try to make the best of this, millions of Americans were very unhappy about how this election played out. Thousands of protesters took to the streets last night in Chicago, New York, here in L.A., a number of cities. It’s somewhat refreshing to see people angry in real life instead of just on Facebook, isn’t it?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“So many people protested the results of the election. I saw some tweets that said this election is a total sham and a travesty, the Electoral College is a disaster, and we should wage revolution. The surprising part — this was all from Donald Trump’s Twitter feed after the 2012 election. So technically, all of those Trump protesters actually agree with Trump. See, we’re already coming together.” – James Corden
“It’s been 48 hours since the election — I’m happy to report the healing has begun. I just unblocked three family members on Facebook.” – Conan O’Brien
“A man is suing Donald Trump for $1 billion, claiming the campaign caused him ’emotional distress’. That man’s name is Billy Bush.” – Conan O’Brien
“Bernie Sanders told reporters yesterday that he is prepared to work with Donald Trump. But then he warned Trump, ‘I keep the office hot and I don’t clean up my pistachios.'” – Seth Meyers
