[Jokes from Nov. 2, 2016]
“A new poll finds that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a statistical tie just a week from Election Day. But on the bright side, at least Trump’s finally in a tie that was made in America.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have run national commercials during the World Series games, marking the only time Cubs and Indians fans were booing at the same time.” – Jimmy Fallon
“What an insane week this is. The Cubs may win the World Series, Donald Trump may be elected president, and the whitest man in America is on stage at the Apollo! It’s officially the end of days, ladies and gentlemen. This was prophesied in the Bible.” – Conan O’Brien
A recent study found that always letting children win games in competitions could damage their ability to learn. Which is scary, because we’re six days away from letting the biggest child win the biggest game.” – Seth Meyers
“But, you know, Trump voters—really? Not even the guy who says he wants to fuck his daughter? This is not a deal-breaker for you? I mean, what does it take? A racist, a liar, a tax cheat, a draft-dodger, a deadbeat, a Russian agent, and a rapist. You know we’re a nuclear power, right? These are red flags.” — Bill Maher
“No matter what side you’re on, people are stressed about what’s about to happen after the election. In fact, things have gotten so crazy that Joe Walsh, a former Republican congressman, tweeted: ‘On Nov. 8, I’m voting for Trump. On Nov. 9, if Trump loses, I’m grabbing my musket.’ To be honest, it is just nice to hear a Republican saying is he going to grab something that’s not part of a woman.” – James Corden
“The rumor now is that there’s a Donald Trump sex tape. Yes! In response, Trump is saying, ‘Vote for me or I’ll release it.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday, in a speech, President Obama said that when voting, young men should look deep inside themselves. So, as of an hour ago, the front-runner is Kate Upton.” – Conan O’Brien
“It looks like the FBI is trying to hurt Hillary’s campaign, which has a lot of people upset. Mostly Russia. That’s THEIR gig.” – Stephen Colbert
“In anticipation of her victory, Hillary Clinton has reportedly planned a fireworks show over the Hudson River for election night. Oh god, remember how excited she got over balloons? What’s she going to do if she sees fireworks?” – Seth Meyers
“Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has reportedly checked into rehab for sex addiction after his numerous sexting scandals. Weiner has asked for privacy and also the Wi-Fi password.” – Seth Meyers
