[Jokes from Nov. 1, 2016]
“Donald Trump still hasn’t released his tax returns. Twelve women have accused him of sexual assault, and he’s going on trial for fraud for Trump University in November, but now the only thing the media is talking about is emails. It’s like if during the O.J. trial, everyone was focused on whether or not the Ford Bronco had up-to-date registration.” – Seth Meyers
“The polls are tightening. The latest ABC News/ Washington Post poll has Donald Trump moving ahead of Hillary Clinton by one point as enthusiasm declines. Though, to be fair, any time Trump gets close to a woman, enthusiasm tends to decline.” – Stephen Colbert
“A memo from a veteran spy says that Vladimir Putin has been supporting Donald Trump for five years. After hearing this, Trump said, ‘Oh my God, I forgot it was our anniversary! What do you get for five years? I hope it’s not CHINA?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The election is just one week from today. So I guess in one week, we’ll know if Donald Trump is our next president — or if Hillary Clinton rigged the election.” – Jimmy Fallon
“For the first time in their 111-year history, Variety has endorsed a presidential candidate — Hillary Clinton. That’s right, the magazine named Variety said, ‘Let’s have a second President Clinton!'” – Stephen Colbert
“The 2016 presidential election is in exactly one week! One weak Republican, and one weak Democrat.” – Seth Meyers
“Mark one’s calendar because Election Day is but one week away. Seven days. Enough time to tell your family you love them and make your peace with God. As the captain of the ‘Titanic’ once said, ‘This is not a drill.'” – Stephen Colbert
“That’s right, there’s exactly one week until Election Day, and this is probably a bad sign, but that’s where the calendar just stops.” – Seth Meyers
“Ted Cruz posted a photo on Twitter last night of himself dressed as the Phantom of the Opera for Halloween. Said trick-or-treaters, ‘Aggh! We can still see half your face!'” – Seth Meyers
“While hosting their final White House Halloween party yesterday, first lady Michelle Obama actually told the kids, ‘Hey! Candy for everybody!’ Then Barack looked around and was like, ‘OK, who’s that in the Michelle Obama costume?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Democratic contributor Donna Brazile has resigned from CNN after WikiLeaks revealed she leaked a primary debate question to the Clinton campaign. Turns out the question was about lead poisoning in Flint, Michigan. So, finally, someone lost their job over Flint.” – Stephen Colbert
