[Jokes from Oct. 10, 2016]
“Last night was the presidential town hall debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and the audience was made up of undecided voters — or as they’re also known, the worst people to be in line behind at Baskin-Robbins.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I was looking forward to the presidential debate last night; 67 million people watched Donald Versus Hillary 2. Rarely is a sequel better than the original but this definitely was.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A man in the audience asked Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to say one positive thing that they respect about each other. At this point, both candidates claimed their microphone was broken.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Anyone who expected Donald Trump to reel it in was way off the mark. He was on fire. He promised that if he was president he’d throw Hillary in jail. He called her the devil — not A devil, THE devil. Which I think might have been his way of coming on to her.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“During last night’s debate, Hillary Clinton accused Donald Trump of being hateful and racist — before adding, ‘Oh my God, he’s right behind me, isn’t he?'” – Seth Meyers
“Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said this morning that ‘Last night’s debate was a good night for democracy.’ But I think what she really meant was, ‘Good night, democracy.'” – Seth Meyers
“A lot of post-debate analysis registered surprise that with all that was going on with Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton didn’t definitively win the debate. The truth is you don’t win a debate like that. You survive it. You board up the windows and you get in the basement. You curl up in a ball until it blows over. It’s like a tornado.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump later tried to downplay the comments, saying it was just locker-room banter. People didn’t know what was crazier, his excuse or the idea that Trump’s ever been to a gym.” – Jimmy Fallon
“What a great time to be in Washington. The Nationals won yesterday. The Redskins won yesterday. And the Orange-skin lost.” – Seth Meyers
“The Washington Post on Friday leaked the behind-the-scenes 2005 video of Donald Trump chatting with Billy Bush on the ‘Access Hollywood’ bus. Trump was caught on tape telling Billy about the time he tried to have sex with ‘Entertainment Tonight’ reporter Nancy O’Dell. He says he took her furniture shopping. By the way, I want some follow-up, I want to know if that happened, and if it did, what did he buy her? A sizable item? A hutch or a dinette set? Are we talking ottoman?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“So, of course, people were outraged. Trump apologized, Billy Bush got suspended from his job. Poor Jeb Bush. Billy Bush is his cousin; he has to be thinking, ‘Why in the hell didn’t he release this tape a year ago?'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“After a video surfaced of Donald Trump and Billy Bush making lewd sexual comments about women, NBC announced Bush would be suspended from the ‘Today’ show indefinitely. Bush could not be grabbed for comment.” – Seth Meyers
“Fox News’ Geraldo Rivera said this weekend that he has additional embarrassing tapes of Donald Trump. And if Geraldo thinks they’re embarrassing, you know it’s bad.” – Seth Meyers
“After hearing Donald Trump’s lewd comments about women, vice presidential nominee Mike Pence canceled a campaign event in New Jersey today. Even worse, he forgot to tell Chris Christie.” – Seth Meyers
“One of the fascinating things that happened on Friday was, before the Billy Bush tape was released, all the news was about Hurricane Matthew. I thought Hurricane Matthew was going to come to California and get us, there was so much news.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The minute that tape came out, Hurricane Matthew just disappeared from television. The only channel that continued their round-the-clock coverage of the hurricane was Fox News because they didn’t want to talk about the Trump tape. Even the Weather Channel was like, ‘To hell with this, let’s go with the Trump tape!'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“More than 1 million people lost power in their homes. The only person mentioning disaster on a national level was Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“With the election just a month away, it seems like everyone’s encouraging people to vote. In fact, I saw that last week, some politicians in Arizona took part in a voter registration event at a strip club. The politicians said the hardest part was pretending they had never met the strippers before.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Facebook has a new ‘secret conversations mode’ that lets you automatically set messages to delete — or as Hillary put it, ‘Like’.” – Jimmy Fallon
