[Jokes from Oct. 3, 2016]
“We’re just four weeks away from Halloween: people pretending to be somebody else, going door-to-door for handouts, or as that’s also called, running for president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mike Pence and Tim Kaine will face-off tomorrow night in the only vice presidential debate of the election. The vice presidential debate is brought to you by white out.” – Seth Meyers
“Tomorrow night is the vice-presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine. Experts expect a record number of people not to watch it.” – Conan O’Brien
“Are you guys excited for the VP debate tomorrow night? Yeah, no, you’re not. No you’re not. Nobody is.” – Seth Meyers
“Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. Experts say LeBron’s endorsement will help Hillary Clinton win in Ohio and lose in Florida.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday, LeBron James wrote an op-ed in which he endorsed Hillary Clinton. LeBron says he and Hillary are all about the same thing: taking forever to finally win something.” – Jimmy Fallon
“LeBron James endorsed Hillary Clinton over the weekend. Which Clinton says for her campaign is a real home run.” – Seth Meyers
“This weekend, a person or persons spray-painted graffiti all over Donald Trump’s new Washington, D.C., hotel. Police have narrowed their list of suspects down to ’50 percent of the country’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump’s charity, the Trump Foundation, is no longer allowed to accept donations in New York. This is really bad news for anyone who thought, ‘I’d like to make sure my money gets to the people who really need it; I know, I’ll funnel it through Donald Trump.'” – Conan O’Brien
“We’re going to start by talking about everybody’s favorite subject: taxes. Over the weekend, Donald Trump’s private tax documents were leaked to The New York Times, showing that in 1995 he posted a loss of $916 million dollars. The only people with a more embarrassing loss in 1995 were the prosecution team in the O.J. Simpson trial.” – James Corden
“The New York Times got its hands on a tax document from 1995, which shows Trump declared a $916 million loss that year which would have allowed him to avoid paying any income tax for 18 years. The documents were sent to the Times from inside Trump Tower. The Trump campaign said the Times illegally obtained the documents and we all know how much Donald Trump hates hacking. So that’s no good.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Over the weekend, three pages of Donald Trump’s 1995 tax return were leaked, revealing that he declared a $916 million loss from his three Atlantic City casinos. That’s right. Donald Trump lost money on casinos. You know what they say, ‘The house always loses.'” – Stephen Colbert
“Now, nobody knows where this leak has come from, but some are suggesting that the source of the leak was Trump’s ex-wife Marla Maples, who leaked the taxes as revenge. Even Beyoncé was like, ‘Now that is making lemonade.'” – James Corden
“The Trump campaign isn’t denying the authenticity of the forms which is remarkable, considering the fact that they deny almost everything. This morning they denied Trump is running for president.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“But here’s the thing, as a real estate developer, he was able to use that loss to wipe out more than $50 million a year in taxable income over 18 years. Well, when life gives you lemons, don’t pay taxes.” – Stephen Colbert
“He lost a billion dollars. Right now, Gary Busey is like, ‘Hold up, wait — didn’t you fire me on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ for losing the Snapple challenge?'” – James Corden
“Supporters of Donald Trump are saying the fact that he lost a billion dollars and then didn’t pay income taxes for 18 years means he is a ‘genius’. They also say three marriages makes him a ‘feminist’, so it kind of works out.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yes, only a genius can lose $1 billion running a casino. How loose were his slots? Tell you what, I like you, I’m going to comp everyone’s room forever.” – Stephen Colbert
“The big story is Donald Trump might not have paid any income tax since Xena: Warrior Princess went on the air.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Now, the idea that Trump hasn’t paid taxes in nearly 20 years is bound to be unpopular with — what’s the word — people. But according to the former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Trump not paying taxes just proves how smart he is.” – Stephen Colbert
“It’s not like Donald Trump does his own taxes. He’s not there doing the numbers. Shouldn’t we really be voting for his accountant? Jack Mitnick. Something about the ‘Mitt’ that sounds so presidential.” – Stephen Colbert
“These aren’t the only leaked documents Trump has to worry about. Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, is supposed to give a big announcement where he said he will release documents to hurt both nominees. People are calling it the ‘October Surprise’. I don’t like the name. I don’t. October Surprise is the most ominous title we can give this?” – James Corden
“October Surprise doesn’t sound sinister; it sounds like your aunt’s recipe for a squash casserole. I added a little nutmeg!” – James Corden
“Assange says he has secret information about both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and that information may drastically change people’s views of these candidates. Americans replied, ‘Wait, it’s going to make us like them?'” – James Corden
“Assange was originally going to make this announcement from the balcony of the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, but has since rescheduled it. I can’t believe he rescheduled the October Surprise. You can’t reschedule October Surprise, Julian. That’s like me texting my wife saying, ‘Hey, honey, your surprise birthday party has been moved to Saturday.'” – James Corden
“In an interview this weekend, Joe Biden described his relationship with President Obama as an older brother-younger brother dynamic. The only down side is when Obama forgets to pick him up from soccer practice.” – Seth Meyers
“A new report has found that despite his recent string of gaffes, Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson has four times as many newspaper endorsements as Donald Trump. So if you’ve got weed, he’s got papers.” – Seth Meyers
“On Friday, Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped in Germany by a police officer for riding a bicycle through a train station. Schwarzenegger may have gone unnoticed if he hadn’t been frantically ringing the bell and shouting, ‘Get out of the way if you want to live!'” – Jimmy Fallon
