[Jokes from Sept. 29, 2016]
“Hillary Clinton actually went to her granddaughter’s second birthday party instead of preparing for the first debate against Trump. I guess she figured being around a bunch of screaming toddlers might help her even more.” – Jimmy Fallon
“While speaking to students at the University of New Hampshire yesterday, Hillary Clinton said, ‘Isn’t this one of the strangest elections you’ve ever seen?’ And then college kids were like, ‘Uh, we’re 18. It’s the ONLY election we’ve ever seen.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary Clinton has vowed to crack down on hackers who launch cyberattacks. She said, ‘If anyone’s going to abuse U.S. government computers, it’s gonna be me.'” – Conan O’Brien
“America Online founder Steve Case endorsed Hillary Clinton for president today. Although the last thing Hillary wants to hear is ‘You’ve got mail’.” – Seth Meyers
“Secretary Clinton is still struggling with millennials. By the way, if you’re not sure who millennials are, they’re the ones who never use the term ‘millennials’.” – Stephen Colbert
“A recent poll shows Clinton has the support of just 31 percent of likely voters under 35. So Hillary’s doing everything she can to attract young people. That’s why, for the first time since July, she appeared on the campaign trail this week with that millennial heart-throb, Bernie Sanders.” – Stephen Colbert
“Bernie Sanders is also campaigning with Hillary. Yesterday, he asked a crowd at one of her rallies, ‘Is everybody here ready to transform America?’ Followed by his next question, ‘Does anybody here remember where I parked?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie! They really like him. He really connects with millennials, because a lot of his clothes are also 18 to 30 years old.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump spoke at a rally yesterday and told supporters that Hillary Clinton’s campaign is the most unserious campaign in American history. Unserious? This is the person you’re calling unserious? [shows photo of frowning Hillary] She always looks like you just told her you wrecked her car.” – Seth Meyers
“Meanwhile, Donald Trump has a new scandal to deal with today. According to Newsweek, in 1998 he spent $68,000 on a business venture in Cuba. Which was illegal because of the embargo. Trump, of course, denied the allegations. He said there’s no such place as Cuba.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump is reportedly angry that his advisers are saying that he struggled during the first debate. Then his advisers were like, ‘Oh, so you CAN hear us.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A woman in Washington, D.C., received 13,000 text messages after C-SPAN accidentally put up her phone number during their post-debate analysis. Replied C-SPAN, ‘We have 13,000 viewers?'” – Seth Meyers
“We are still trying to figure out who won Monday’s presidential debate. Democrats say Hillary won, while Republicans are strong in their conviction that there are still two more debates.” – Stephen Colbert
“Yesterday, Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson was giving a television interview and was unable to name a single foreign leader. Hmmm… sounds like SOMEONE wants to be Donald Trump’s secretary of state.” – Conan O’Brien
“In an interview yesterday, Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson was unable to name any world leaders when asked who his favorite head of state was. Wow. This might have cost him the election.” – Seth Meyers
“Remember when Mitt Romney almost had to drop out of the race because he put his dog on the top of the car? They were simpler times.” – Jimmy Kimmel
