[Jokes from Sept. 19, 2016]
“It’s come out that Hillary Clinton is having a hard time connecting with millennial voters. So now she’s saying that last week’s coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton is here and today is my birthday! Later we’re going to bring out a cake and let Hillary cough out the candles.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This weekend, Martha Stewart said Donald Trump should not be president because he is ‘totally unprepared’. Though to be fair, by Martha Stewart’s standards, we’re ALL unprepared.” – Conan O’Brien
“Last week Trump revealed his child care proposals, including a plan to guarantee six weeks of paid maternity leave. Mothers will get six weeks off, as long as their babies can produce their long-form birth certificates.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump held a press conference Friday where he announced that he believes President Obama was born in the U.S. Said Trump, ‘I hope that settles the issue. That Muslim was born here.'” – Seth Meyers
“The U.N. General Assembly began today, and Donald Trump was scheduled to meet with the president of Egypt. Said Trump, ‘Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tut.'” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump accused media outlets this morning of deliberately editing his words to make him come across in a bad light. Also making Trump come across in a bad light – light.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence said that his role model for the vice presidency is Dick Cheney. To prove it, this weekend Pence had six heart attacks and shot his friend in the face.” – Conan O’Brien
“Only 50 more days until the election. That’s according to my calendar, The Book of Revelation.” – Conan O’Brien
