[Jokes from Sept. 13, 2016]
“Yesterday Hillary tweeted to her supporters that like anyone who’s ever been home sick from work, she’s just anxious to get back out there. Then those people said, ‘Nope, we’re pretty happy just staying home and watching Netflix.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s been a lot in the news about Hillary Clinton’s recent bout of pneumonia. Hillary herself tweeted about it yesterday, saying just like any sick person, she’s ‘just anxious to get back out there.’ That shows how out of touch Hillary is with regular people. People don’t want to go back to work. Nobody’s in bed at 1 p.m. thinking, ‘Oh man, I wish I was watching Linda’s PowerPoint on how to fill out my expense reports.'” – James Corden
“Following an uproar over her hidden pneumonia diagnosis, Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she just didn’t think it was going to be that big a deal to keep the illness from going public. Sure, when has keeping a secret ever hurt a Clinton?” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton revealed to Anderson Cooper that she has fainted ‘a few times’. Of course, I think we all get that way around Anderson Cooper.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday Joe Biden told some of Hillary’s campaign workers that he’s also had pneumonia before, and that if the doctor tells you to take three days off, you should actually take SIX days off. Of course, that advice only really works if your job is vice president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bill Clinton tried to dispel rumors yesterday about Hillary Clinton’s health and said that she’s almost certainly in better health than her opponent. I don’t know, Trump definitely has higher levels of vitamins K, F, and C.” – Seth Meyers
“Newt Gingrich commented on Hillary Clinton’s current health concerns last night, and said he is unlikely to trust her medical reports. Oh, but you’ll trust Donald Trump’s doctor? He looks like he got his medical license from a Dave & Buster’s claw machine.” – Seth Meyers
“It has been a rough week for Hillary Clinton. She has been dropping in the polls, and over the weekend, even her immune system turned against her. No surprise — all the white blood cells are voting for Trump.” – Stephen Colbert
“Most damaging of all may have been a remark she made at a fundraiser on Friday when describing Trump’s voters as a ‘basket of deplorables’. Wow. Hillary should put her insults in ‘the hamper of awkwardness’.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump will be going on the Dr. Oz show to discuss his health. He will then discuss his immigration plan with Dora the Explorer.” – Conan O’Brien
“A fistfight broke out at a Trump rally yesterday. Or, more accurately, a Trump rally broke out during a fistfight.” – Conan O’Brien
“According to a new poll, neither Hillary Clinton nor Donald Trump is currently projected to have the necessary 270 Electoral College votes to clinch the election. So you know what that means — a dance off!” – Seth Meyers
“Last night was the big season premiere of ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ And at one point, two protesters rushed the stage as Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte got his scores. Security stopped them within about 10 seconds, or as Lochte put it, ‘They kidnapped me, put a gun to my head, and dropped me off at the Grand Canyon!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“During last night’s ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ two protesters rushed the stage during Ryan Lochte’s performance. So finally, an assault on Ryan Lochte that really happened.” – Conan O’Brien
