[Jokes from July 21, 2016]
“Last night was night three of the Republican Convention, and if you thought the first two nights were exciting — then you really need to get out more.” – James Corden
“The Republican Convention had a theme each day, and today’s was ‘Make America One Again.’ Let’s be honest, that was not the first draft.” – Seth Meyers
“The big drama last night came courtesy of Sen. Ted Cruz, who chose not to endorse Donald Trump, even though they let him give a speech. There were a lot of boos for Ted Cruz. How dare he? One of the reasons he didn’t voice his support for Trump, he reportedly has plans to run for president again in 2020. Why not? It went so well this time.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Ted Cruz spoke in the convention last night and was loudly booed because he refused to support Donald Trump for president — and I’m surprised to learn that Ted Cruz has a backbone, considering that he has no face bones.” – Seth Meyers
“The big story of last night was that Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, despite being invited by Donald Trump, refused to endorse him in his speech and this prompted the audience to boo him. I will say Ted Cruz was completely unfazed by the booing. I think it was because he thought they were going ‘Cruuuz,’ he’s like, Thanks guys, thank you, thank you.'” – James Corden
“Following the outrage that Cruz did not endorse Trump last night, Cruz’s wife, Heidi, was escorted from the convention by security as people yelled, ‘Goldman Sachs!’ Careful, Republicans — if you say it three times, Hillary will appear.” – Seth Meyers
“A lot of people are wondering why the Trump campaign would even invite Ted Cruz to speak at the convention in the first place. It turns out Ben Carson summoned him the night before by saying the word ‘Lucifer’ three times.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It was a good day for Ben Carson. He just signed a deal to be the new face of Tylenol PM.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence gave a speech at the convention last night and even poked fun at the fact most people don’t know who he is. I guess even Donald Trump calls him ‘Vice President Hey Buddy’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Traditionally the third night of the convention is supposed to be all about the VP pick and everyone was saying that the Ted Cruz fiasco overshadowed Trump’s VP Mike Pence. Even Trump doesn’t seem to like him that much. There was an awkward moment between them at the end of Pence’s speech [shows video of air-kiss]. They greeted each other the way you greet your girlfriend’s mom the first time. You’re like, ‘Are we going to — do we — we just kiss on the lips — muah — just kiss on the lips.'” – James Corden
“Following Mike Pence’s speech last night, Donald Trump joined his running mate on stage and appeared to make an air-kiss gesture to him, and Pence tried to send Trump to a gay re-education camp.” – Seth Meyers
“I really like Trump and Pence’s chemistry. You can tell these guys have been friends since all the way back on July 18th of 2016.” – James Corden
“In Cleveland tonight, Donald Trump officially accepted the Republican nomination. Throwing ‘Make America Great’ t-shirts into the crowd — not really, but it’s kind of believable, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“When he finished his speech, they dropped 125,000 balloons, poor Chris Christie spent all day blowing them up.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Ivanka Trump introduced her father tonight says he is color blind and gender neutral — which means that Trump cannot use the bathroom anywhere.” – Seth Meyers
“The Democrats support special labeling for GMO foods. Republicans support teen abstinence programs. So they can compromise, and now, teens have to wear labels telling everyone they’re virgins.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Republicans want to defund Planned Parenthood. The Democrats want to stop Donald Trump from preventing access to birth control. They compromised, and now, Planned Parenthood will hand out pictures of Donald Trump as birth control.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s a new weather phenomenon, causing unusually high temperatures, expected to get up to 115 degrees in some states. So, don’t go to some of those states. And the fear is that the heat dome will turn into a thunderdome, and we’ll have to turn to Mad Max to help us.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama said to drink water, stay out of the sun, and check on your neighbors. Can you imagine checking on your neighbors in Los Angeles? And Donald Trump tweeting, ‘The sun is the worst. Hot, lazy, stupid, the sun is a big fat loser.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
