[Jokes from July 18, 2016]
“Quicken Loans Arena, home to the NBA champion Cleveland Cavaliers, is hosting the Republican Convention this week. And just like the Cavs’ starting lineup, the convention is expected to have four black people.” – Seth Meyers
“The Republican National Convention started today — and we’re now just a week away from the Democratic Convention. Both have an important case to make: Who would be better at creating peace between Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift?” – Jimmy Fallon
“After what seems like nine years, tonight is finally the first night of the Republican National Convention and they are bringing out the big guns. So be careful — they’re Republicans.” – James Corden
The Republican National Convention started today and Donald Trump spent the past several days preparing his acceptance speech, while Chris Christie spent the past two weeks blowing up balloons.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A number of key Republicans are skipping the convention. Jeb Bush, instead of traveling to Cleveland, spent the night home crying.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“After Jeb Bush’s decision not to attend this week’s Republican National Convention, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called him a ‘bad loser.’ Said Jeb, ‘Actually I’m a great loser! I do it all the time! It’s what I’m best at!'” – Seth Meyers
“The only thing more confusing than Pokémon Go is the Republican National Convention, which is under way in Cleveland. They say there haven’t been this many white people at the Quicken Loans Arena since the night they double-booked Jimmy Buffett and Kenny G.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump has selected mega-star Scott Baio to speak at the convention. I will give you a minute to Google who that is. To tell you how irrelevant Scott Baio is, I had to have his name phonetically spelled in the teleprompter because it looks like ‘by-o.'” – James Corden
“There was drama this afternoon as the Stop Trump Movement tried to change the rules so they wouldn’t be forced to vote for Trump on the first ballot, and when that was unsuccessful, the delegates from Colorado just walked out. And look at what time the Colorado delegates walked out — 4:20, my friends! This is the perfect time to walk out. They might not have been mad. They might have been a little snacky.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort told reporters that, quote, ‘Once Donald Trump is accepted by the American people as someone who can be president, the race will be over with.’ By which I assume he meant the human race.” – Seth Meyers
“You may not know this but you’re not supposed to see the candidate before the nomination, let alone on the first night. That’s like the bride not only being seen on her wedding day but jumping out of the cake at the bachelor party.” – Stephen Colbert
“Last night Trump and Pence gave their first joint interview on ’60 Minutes’ — of course, the same amount of time Trump spent learning about Mike Pence before choosing him.” – Stephen Colbert
“Apparently Trump was unsure about the guy he was choosing for vice president all the way down to the wire. They say he wanted to dump Gov. Mike Pence at midnight the night before the announcement — which would have made him a Pence dispenser.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Last night, Trump and Mike Pence actually sat down for a joint interview on ’60 Minutes’. And Pence said that if he has differences with Donald Trump, he would, quote, ‘walk into the president’s office, close the door, and share my heart.’ Even the guys on ‘The Bachelorette’ were like, ‘GROSS!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders gave a 23-minute speech at a conference last week after he endorsed Hillary Clinton, but he didn’t mention her by name. Though people had a pretty good idea who he was referring to when he mentioned ‘Moneybags McPantsuit’.” – Jimmy Fallon
Bernie Sanders is scheduled speak on the first night of next week’s Democratic National Convention. Leave it to Bernie to grab the early bird special.” – Seth Meyers
